Marriage Communication Problems? The #1 Tip to Stop Escalation

There’s nothing worse than escalation. Escalation occurs when partners respond back and forth negatively to each other, continually upping the ante while the conversation gets more and more volatile. Even just a minor negative comment can increase the level of arousal and soon a small disagreement escalates into a major fight.

Escalation can develop over something as small as not putting the cap back on the toothpaste, or eating the last chocolate chip cookie. As the conversation revs up, partners start to become more and more aroused. Then before you know it, you are saying mean things to and about one another. Frequently spouses bring up the “D” word with threats to end the relationship.

Though you may get your way, what comes of it is damage to the relationship by either saying things that hurt your partner or shutting off two-way communication.

Many women feel that the way to fix a problem is to confront their man, reveal their feelings, share their pain, and ask for what they want to change. If you have tried this tactic, you may have already discovered: 1) it only made the problem worse, and he retreated or withdraw or even gave up; or 2) things improved for a little while, but then went back to the way they were.

What you need to understand about uncontrolled-self-expression (AKA venting) is that telling your partner precisely and in no uncertain terms how horrible you feel about your partner’s behavior is the least, most ineffective way to get a generous response.

Hey, I get it. You’re intentions were good. You may have thought, if I just tell him what he’s doing that’s hurting my feelings he’ll change and we’ll be back in sync. However, you may already have an inkling that your words are falling on deaf ears. And as you escalate your attempts to get through to him, he may be building an impenetrable fortress to defend himself against you.

Let me reassure you: you will not die if you don’t vent. Remember, you can vent or you can move toward a viable solution.

Own You Own Hot Buttons

If your partner knows just what to do or say to set you off, don’t blame them for your reaction. You can’t control what someone else does, but you CAN control what you do. Learn to recognize your own “hot buttons”, and notice yourself as you start to get heated up. Stop, go to another room, do something silly, give them a big wet kiss (like you mean it), whatever it takes to interrupt your reaction.

It’s not always easy, and you’ll fail sometimes, but once you get good at this you will be amazed by how much less drama and conflict you experience within your marriage.