How to Effectively Talk to Kids about Tragedies by Barbara McRae, MCC

Watching the news around the globe, seeing actual footage of earthquakes, California mudslides, avalanches and the tsunami, ignite feelings of distress and overwhelm in adults, let alone in our children.nnHow young people are affected by such tragedies largely depends on the level of maturity and overall temperament of each child plus the coping patterns adults consistently model. It can be difficult for caregivers to cope with their own feelings and know what to say to help their children handle theirs. nnHere are some must-read tips:nnYoung ChildrennMany parents wisely choose to shield their children from graphic news coverage on TV. If your child is aware of a tragedy, it is important to acknowledge the event as soon as possible and to empathize with whatever feelings your youngster is expressing about it. For example, “It sounds like you are worried that this could happen to us.” nnParents often want to minimize tragic events; they think that by minimizing a child’s concern, they are protecting their child from further upsets. Talking about the trauma - unless you keep rehashing it - is healing and keeps vital communication lines open between parent and child. Denying or ignoring leads to a sense of isolation and more suffering. nnWhat Not to Don• Do not tell your children they are being silly, to “get over it” or “grow up”n• Do not overreact; it makes matters worsen• Do not let your children avoid facing their fears (have them talk or draw how they feel)n• Do not gloss over feelingsnnDO talk about feelings. By doing so, you are modeling that it is okay to have feelings and express them in a healthy manner. You’ll be enhancing their emotional intelligence by helping them develop their feeling vocabulary. Discuss with them the distinction between being compassionate and having empathy (loving and empowering) versus taking on the fear, pain, and grief of others (limiting and self-sabotaging). nnProvide age appropriate information about how nature creates a tidal wave (or a volcanic eruption or other natural disaster). If you don’t know, refer to books or magazines to help you. Make it an opportunity for learning. Keep it simple and respond to questions without offering too much information. Close your conversation by redirecting it to feeling grateful that your family is safe.nnOlder ChildrennPreteens and teens typically have more questions and want to discuss events. Here, too, it’s best to first find out how they are feeling and acknowledge how they are experiencing the tragedy. Be focused on what’s going on for them and stay connected by empathizing and asking insightful questions.nnA common fear for children, in addition to worrying about their own safety, is the fear of losing a parent. Are you prepared to answer the question, “What if you suddenly die?” One of my clients wasn’t sure how to reassure her children; she wanted to be honest and direct. Yet she also realized that none of us knows exactly when we are going to die and didn’t want to make a promise she couldn’t keep. nnWhat you can say is that people don’t normally die until they are very old and reassure your kids that you’re not planning on dying anytime soon. You can tailor this answer to fit your religious beliefs and your specific situation. nnThe best way to help your children is to make sure you have healthy behavior patterns for handling *your* fears and stress. If you tend to get overly fearful or keep your feelings to yourself, then your children are likely to do the same. Being tearful or acknowledging your fear is fine. Freaking out is not. If you are not feeling calm enough to have these conversations with your kids, take a few minutes to get centered. If that fails, get the help you need to fully be there for yourself as well as them. nnRemind your children that no matter what happens, there is always help available. Ask them to begin to look for the “helpers of the world.” Help them understand the value of volunteering and the difference non-profit organizations make. nnDiscuss how your family can help others in need. Kids often feel better when they can actively participate in providing aid to less fortunate families. They may want to say a prayer, light a candle, donate possessions, raise money or send an encouraging letter. Let them take action; it helps children learn the lesson of love firsthand. nnWe know that all events can be used for good if we help ourselves become great role models for our children by using effective communication and coping skills. We can help them learn how to handle difficult situations in life and teach the rewards of reaching out to others even if they are half way around the world. n