Desperate Kids--Bullies and the Bullied

Bullying is more prevalent and serious than most parents realize. To bring bullying to the forefront, Lifetime recently aired the original movie “Odd Girl Out.” It’s a fictional story about a teen daughter and her mother who have difficulty handling the wide-spread problem of emotional bullying among girls. According to a study by the National Education Association, every day 160,000 students miss school for fear of being attacked or bullied.

What is bullying?
Traditionally, we might think of bullying as picking a physical fight with someone and taking possession of some lunch money or worse. But today bullying isn’t limited to physical assault or stealing. Bullying can take many shapes and sizes.

Let’s look at this scene from “Odd Girl Out”: Several girls are talking together at the school lunchroom. Vanessa approaches, but as she gets closer, the others turn away from her with their backs to her, effectively shutting her out. As Vanessa leaves, the other girls laugh and comment on her discomfort. Is this bullying? Yes! While boys are generally more overt, girls tend to use covert methods, such as excluding. Adults sometimes have difficulty understanding how these seemingly tame tactics can cause so much distress for adolescents. It’s only teasing . . . right?

Keep in mind that the intention of bullying is a deliberate activity to hurt someone physically or emotionally where the bully derives pleasure from another’s pain.
Bullying includes: excluding, ignoring, humiliating, teasing, name-calling, attacking, spreading rumors, taunting, being pushed – and the like. Any form of bullying can be deeply disturbing for kids, and parents need to take it seriously.

Vanessa had difficulty accepting that her best friend could suddenly turn on her and silently takes the abuse Stacy and her clique dish out. Vanessa’s mom notices her daughter’s misery, but believes the girls are just having a harmless spat. As the nasty rumors and public ridicule escalate, Vanessa soon transforms from a happy to a withdrawn and desperate teen. Fearful of the next onslaught, she starts cutting classes. At this point, mom realizes that something is seriously wrong; but Vanessa – not trusting her mom to hear her and understand – refuses to talk about what’s really going on, until her suicidal thoughts land her in the hospital. Now there’s a huge wake-up call for both mother and daughter!

Many parents and school officials don’t take action because they’re not exactly sure what to do. The usual advice offered by adults is: Just ignore it! So, most kids either say nothing or, after enough taunting, retaliate. Neither response generally works. It didn’t work for Vanessa. Kids need to learn how to courageously stand up for themselves without getting aggressive. And they need to have adult support. That’s why we are starting to see grants being made available to teach adults and kids how to handle bullies at high schools and prevent violence from occurring.

It turns out that Vanessa’s mom hadn’t yet resolved her own past about having been the “Odd Girl Out.” This contributed to her inadequacy in helping her daughter take back her power and stand up to her tormentors. The bullied need to be listened to with empathy; they need help handling their feelings and help building their courage to take appropriate steps - without physically lashing out - and becoming bullies themselves. n
How can Parents Help?
The responsibility for teaching “bully prevention” does not solely reside with our schools. Most children who bully are troubled or depressed and already display their behavior at home. Bullies feel powerless and haven’t learned how to handle their strong feelings of insecurity or anger in a healthy manner. They enjoy the sense of power they feel over others and rationalize that it’s okay, that the bullied child deserves “it.” Here’s where parents need to consistently step in to clearly identify and enforce boundaries with appropriate consequences. For instance, it’s not okay to hit siblings. If that happens, have your child pay you $5.00 (deduct it from his/her allowance) for each incident. Then, teach your child healthy ways to express anger and frustration. The earlier you do this, the better. For additional ideas on how to decrease the risk of bullying, contact us.