Mother-Enmeshed Men: Is A Mother-Enmeshed Man Imprisoned By His Own Lack Of Development?

If a man was brought up to be there for his mother and to take care of a number of her needs, it probably wouldn’t have occurred to her that he was an individual who had his own needs and, over time, his own life to lead. Of course, when he was born, it is likely to have occurred to her that he had had basic needs such as the need to eat and sleep but that might have been about it.

And, even if this did occur to her, it doesn’t mean that she generally fed him and allowed him to sleep at the right times. Yet, if she saw him as an extension of her and as her possession, it is not a surprise that she wouldn’t have been able to attune to a number of his needs, let alone actually meet a number of his needs.

The Next Stage

As the years went by, he would have developed a number of other needs. This would have included his need to leave his mother’s side and explore, before coming back to her side to refuel.

But, as with the needs that were overlooked before this stage, this need is also likely to have been unmet. Through being unable to form a strong attachment to his mother, the need to explore might have been completely repressed.

Deeply Deprived

Throughout his early years, then, he would have missed out on what he needed to develop a strong sense of self and feel secure within himself and then begin expressing himself and gradually breaking away. Apart from having his basic needs met – clearly, if this didn’t happen, he wouldn’t be alive – he would have missed out on the love and attunement that he needed to go through each stage.

To be specific, he is likely to have missed out on the eye contact, touch and caressing that he needed, among other things. Without a mother who was emotionally as well as physically present, supportive and able to provide him with what he needed, it is to be expected that he would be in an underdeveloped state as an adult.

A Different Experience

If, on the other hand, he was born with a fully developed sense of self and felt secure, how his mother treated him wouldn’t have had the same impact. Even so, as he is an interdependent as opposed to an independent human being, it would still have had an impact.

Taking this into account, if a man can relate to this and is finding it hard to live his life, there is going to be no reason for him to lay into himself. Purely having this understanding might not allow him to be kind to himself but at least he will be able to see why he is the way that he is and not simply conclude that it’s because he’s weak, incapable and/or useless, for instance.

Why Did This Happen?

Most likely, his mother wasn’t consciously aware of what she was doing and thus, wasn’t able to see how destructive her behaviour was. If this was the case, it could show that she was not in a good way either mentally or emotionally.

But, even if she didn’t consciously choose to behave in this way, it doesn’t mean that she just randomly behaved in this way. There is a strong chance that another part of her saw her son as a parental figure and this was then why she used her son to meet some of her adult and unmet developmental needs and perhaps continues to do so.

An Odd Scenario

By engaging in something called transference, it wouldn’t have been possible for her to see her son, as her son and not as someone who could finally be there for her and meet the needs that were not being met and were not met during her developmental years. So, even if this was put forward to her during this time and she denied it, how she treated her son would have demonstrated that this was the truth.

This is likely to show that she was deprived of what she needed during her formative years and was used to meet some of her parent or parent’s adult and unmet developmental needs. Behind the self that she presented to the world would then have been someone who was in a disconnected, fractured and underdeveloped state.

It’s Finished

Naturally, many years will have passed since he was a powerless and dependent boy but this won’t matter. As he is developmentally stunted, not to mention that he is likely to be carrying a lot of pain, it wouldn’t matter if hundreds of years had passed since he was a boy.

Right now, if his mother is still alive, he could feel as though he is her slave and needs her permission to finally break away and live his own life. In reality, it will be what is going on for him that is holding him back, not how his mother is behaving.

The Key

Therefore, irrespective of how hopeless and helpless he may feel, the truth is that he has the power to change his life. For him to see this, though, he will need to face the pain, along with expressing his unmet development needs that were not met, and work through it.

By doing what he needs to do to emotionally grow up, he will gradually move out of his mother’s world and back into his own. This is something that will take courage and patience and persistence.

Awareness

If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for exte
al support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.