Recently, I heard from a wife who was devastated. Her husband had sat her down and very matter of factly told her that he no longer found her attractive. He told her that this was a big problem because he felt that he needed to be physically attracted in order to remain invested in the marriage. He offered no suggestions for her, but said he just wanted to be honest and wanted for her to be "aware of the problem."
Needless to say, the wife was beside herself. She said, in part: "Well, what am I supposed to do with this information? I can't change the way that I look overnight unless I do something really drastic. I've gained a little weight from two pregnancies and I no longer have time to put on gobs of makeup, but I don't think I'm hideous. How incredibly insensitive of him to tell me I'm no longer attractive. Who does he think he is? He doesn't like exactly like he did when I met him and you don't see me complaining. This hurts me so badly. I don't want to lose my marriage. I love my husband, but I'm never going to look like a runway model. How do I make myself more attractive to him without feeling resentful about it?"
I respected this wife on so many levels. I get questioned about attraction a lot. But, most wives go into panic mode and want to know exactly how to appear attractive again - no matter what it takes. Many don't care if the action is drastic or not. Nor do they even think about what they want or what they are comfortable with. This wife did not fall into this category. Part of her was angry and indignant. She worried about losing her self respect. She had some spunk and I felt like this was going to help her considerably. I'll tell you what I told her in the following article.
Attractiveness Is Not Necessarily About The Way You Look: Many wives who tell me that their husbands no longer find them attractive automatically assume that they're going to need to lose drastic amounts of weight, get a facelift or Botox, or attempt to look like someone else. These drastic measures often are not necessary. And I often have women tell me they took these drastic measures and they don't understand why their husband still isn't happy or attracted to them.
The reason is that it's not all about your looks. Sure, being visually appealing and well-groomed helps in almost every situation. But, the way that you carry yourself and the energy that you project matters far more. Men like self-confidence and women who can make them feel good about themselves.
You have to be very careful that an unfortunate shift doesn't begin to happen. Because often, the second a husband utters the phrase "I'm no longer attracted to you," suddenly this changes the way that the wife feels about herself. And just like that, he's wiped out her confidence. So she can change her face or her hair or even her weight. But, for a long time to come, she's going to potentially look to him for her self esteem and this kind of self-doubt is not attractive. Typically both husband and wife will be confused as to why the attraction still is not there when the looks have changed and improved.
It's because attraction isn't all about looks. It's about confidence, self-expression, and the way that you make each other feel about yourselves. Men want their wives to be uniquely attractive because this is a reflection of a husband's own self-image. If they have a wife who takes care of herself, this makes them feel more worthy and successful. But, if they have a wife who they perceive doesn't care enough to attempt to fix herself up, they begin to ask themselves if they too are slipping in some way.
Here's another very important point. Almost everyone, at some point or another, will project their problems or stressors onto their marriage. This wife's husband was going through an issue at work that was causing him stress. So, this whole "I no longer find you attractive" business could have been more about his low self-esteem stemming from his job rather than anything having to do with his wife and how she looked.
This is not fair, but it's extremely common. The good news is that often, as the husband begins to work out his external issues, the projection will also end. In the meantime, you can often use this as an opportunity to address the things that matter to you. Wives often ask me how far they should go so that their husband finds them attractive again. My advice is often to please yourself. Because whatever you do, you have to own it and make it work for you. If you're not confident in it or have doubts, then this is going to outwardly show. And since you can't get inside your husband's head, anything you do will only be educated guesses.
And, if he's potentially projecting anyway, this could potentially mean that attractiveness is not the real issue. So, if you make dramatic changes to your appearance, you're sort of shooting at moving target. But, if you only worry about pleasing yourself, you don't have to worry about any of this. And, when you focus on what you want, you have a greater chance of being able to pull it off with the confidence that is necessary.
What Husbands Really Find Attractive In Their Wives: Interacting with men about this topic is an eye-opening experience. Like many wives, I used to assume that what husbands found attractive had everything to do with eye candy - a large chest, a small waist, and a youthful appearance. Believe it or not, these physical attributes are rarely mentioned.
Instead, it's become pretty clear to me that what husbands truly find attractive is a present and enthusiastic wife. I don't mean physically present since most everyone has that covered. I mean mentally present and having obvious enthusiasm. Men want wives who pay close attention and who prioritize the closeness and intimacy in their relationship. They want to know that they matter enough for you to make time for them and to take the care that shows you are still invested.
We all know women who definitely aren't beauty queens but who have devoted husbands who think they are knockouts. That's because these women know how to play to their attributes and how to make their husbands feel special, heard, and appreciated. These things feed right back into his self-esteem and how he sees himself. And this directly affects how he sees you.
Sure, I advised this wife to take care of her appearance and to make the most of what she had. But I felt that it was equally important to see where else her husband may be feeling stress. It was also advisable for her to take a look at her enthusiasm and attention levels. Finally, she should focus on making herself happy with her appearance. Because usually looking in these places will yield much more dramatic and positive results than making drastic changes that aren't based on what you yourself find attractive.
It took me way too long to realize that I was contributing to this whole unattractive business. I had issues with myself which rubbed off unto him. When I stopped focusing on pleasing him and started focusing on pleasing myself, things changed. Luckily, over time (and taking calculated baby steps), I was able to reestablish intimacy and bring back his attraction and love. You can read
that story on my blog at
http://isavedmymarriage.com/.