Most of the wives who write to or reach out to me are trying very hard to get their separated husband to come home. Many fantasize about this for some time. So when it finally happens and their husband indicates that he would be open to a reconciliation, you would think that they would be planning a celebration and reveling in their victory.
However, sometimes, we can just not bring ourselves to do this. Our doubts plague us. We worry that something is going to go wrong. We worry that our husband isn't telling us the whole story. We wonder if perhaps he has another motivation - like financial or time concerns.
Someone might say: "I truly want to believe that my husband wholeheartedly wants to reconcile. I wish that I knew for certain that he loved me, that he missed me, and that he would do everything in his power to save our marriage. I would love to believe these things. But I just can't. All along, my husband has been freaking out about what a divorce would cost him. And I know from his brother that he recently had an attorney break it down for him. My husband was shocked at how much he stood to lose from this. His brother said that the finances really upset him. Well, a mere few weeks after his meeting with the attorney, my husband has been asking to spend more time with me. And now that things have been going somewhat well between us, he is telling me that he would be 'totally open' to a reconciliation. This is what I have been wanting to hear for months. I would have been so happy to hear these words last month. But now, I can't get out of my head that this whole thing might be just financially motivated. The paranoid person in me is afraid that my husband is merely trying to buy time so that he can move some finances around during our farce 'reconciliation,' and then later, once that's done, he will once again want a divorce. Some of my friends say that I should not think this way. They tell me that I have to give this reconciliation my best try and that I need to stop being such a pessimist. I'd like to. If only I could believe that he truly wants a reconciliation. How could I tell?"
I know where you are coming from. I had the same worries during my own separation. More on
that here.) I believe that most wives have these types of thoughts, even when they want a reconciliation more than anything. I don't know your husband, but I can certainly tell you some signs that men will commonly give off when they are serious about reconciling. By no means is this an exhaustive list. But it's a good place to start.
He's Sincere In What He Does And Says. He's Attentive And Genuine: This is going to sound very simplistic. But generally speaking, most of the time, if you know someone pretty well, you can tell if they are genuinely interested in what you have to say. They lean forward when they are talking to you. They meet, and hold, your gaze. Their eyes light up as you are talking.
Likewise, when a sincere husband tells you that he is going to do something - especially as it relates to you and your marriage, he does it. He is not constantly full of excuses or delays. He is motivated because he is sincerely invested in the possibility of your future.
He Makes Plans For, And Puts An Effort Into, Your Future: I completely realize that there is never a guarantee when you are trying to reconcile. No one knows what tomorrow is going to bring. You may try to reconcile and ultimately have some hiccups along the way. It's normal to worry and to have doubts. However, if you truly want reconciliation to happen, then you will generally make some plans and make some investments. These investments might be of time, of money, or of your emotional currency. You should be able to see these types of investments - even if there is some hesitancy also.
Deciding To Take Him At His Word And To Not Let Your Doubts Paralyze You: There's no denying that there is sometimes a financial incentive to reconcile and to stay married. It is just naive to pretend that there is not. I don't think that it's evil to admit that this is a consideration. It's just practical to think of ALL factors that go into your marriage. And, like it or not, money is one of those factors. So yes, he may have realized that financially, it makes sense to stick around. But honestly, if he didn't TRULY want to give it a try and if being married to you and reconciling made his stomach turn, do you really think he would do it for the money? Most of us are not going to do things that we REALLY do not want to do merely for money. My point is, the idea of reconciling is probably at least somewhat appealing to him - or he would not be doing it.
I would suggest that regardless of the factors that are going into his decision-making process, it makes sense to focus on what is truly important. Finally, after waiting for so long, and after so much heartache, you have a chance to reconcile with your husband. This is truly what is important. And if you work very hard and you make your marriage strong and vibrant again, will it really matter what got him there?
I knew that my husband had additional motivations and doubts in
the early stages of our reconciliation. But I was willing to take what I could get. As we made our marriage stronger, I no longer cared what brought us to the table. I only cared that we were at the table. I am still happily married today because of this. You can read more of that story at
http://isavedmymarriage.com