I get a lot of emails from women who feel like they are fighting a losing battle. For whatever reason, their husband has indicated that he wants out. Or, he hasn't spoken but it's obvious that he has completely checked out. Of course, the wives don't want a divorce, but the harder they try to make him stay, the more he pulls away and potentially wants to leave. Short of giving up and letting him walk out the door, what is left to do? Actually, there are a lot of strategies that do work, but many require a leap of faith and for you to throw in the unexpected. I'll explain this more in the following article.
The Reasons That Men Check Out Vary Greatly But Usually Come Back To Only A Few Things: There are many reasons that a husband will check out of the marriage. And, some of them have very little to do with you, while some have everything to do with you. Sometimes, a husband is under a great deal of stress or wakes up and feels like he's not where he thought he should be at this point in his life. He takes stock in everything - his job, his possessions, his accomplishments, his marriage, and which things he thinks are working and are not working. Often, he'll transfer some of the frustrations and failures that he is feeling in other areas of his life on to you.
Other times, he'll compare how life was when he met you, when he felt full of hope and like he was on top of the world, with how things are going now. Disappointment sets in because this is not how he pictured that it would turn out. He remembers when you used to hang on his every word, cared deeply about his day, deeply understood him, and went out of your way to lighten his load. But today, it seems that you are both running in opposite directions and just sort of waving at each other as you rush by.
Begin By Seeing The Opportunities Rather Than The Losses: Knowing your husband has checked out is a letdown. But before you get angry and frustrated, ask yourself if it's a let down to you as well. Don't you miss the closeness that you used to share, the light-hearted laughs, and the intimate gestures?
I understand that you might be thinking "yes, of course, I miss them, but why is my responsibility to fix them when we're both busy and we're both to blame?" Well, the truth is, it isn't only your responsibility, but right now, you're the only one who is interested in turning things around. And by showing him that things can change or improve (without much effort on his part initially) you're changing his perceptions and contributing to his being a little more receptive - step by step.
Understand The Role That Perceptions About Intimacy Play: Almost all marriages that have one party that "wants out" are suffering from a lack of intimacy. Somewhere down the line, he started thinking of "I" instead of "we." He checked out because the pay off was no longer there. He began to feel that his life might just better off without you than with you. You have to change these perceptions as your first course of action. Because talking out or working through your problems isn't likely to happen when he perceives your marriage as a sinking ship. So first, you must show him that the marriage can turn from distant to closer again so that he wants to work through the problems.
Getting His Attention When He Has Already Checked Out In The Right Ways: How to get his attention again is the big question, right? Because in order to change his perceptions, you have to have his attention. Maybe, but not the way that you probably think. A lot of wives will try to get their husband's attention through any means possible. They'll beg. They'll argue. They'll debate. They'll tell him he's selfish, faulty, or wrong. They don't care that this is only getting them negative attention, they just want him to glance their way. The problem with this is that he's only going to glance your way on his way out. He's only going to want to speed up the process. (I learned this the hard way during my separation. You can read that story by
clicking here.)
You want to get his positive attention. So you conduct yourself as you first did when he fell in love with you. However, you may not have the opportunity at this exact moment. But you're going to conduct yourself with dignity and grace. You're going to tell your husband that he has the right to be happy and that although you want it to be with you, you can only control yourself. So you're not going to engage in actions that would make you both unhappy. You'd like to focus on interacting in a positive way.
Sometimes, you may have to just leave at it that. Then, stop pushing him, questioning him, or trying to sway him. Go about your business and stress your own need to be happy. Go out with those that put a smile on your face (of the same sex, of course.) Take up things that you've been putting off. Work on yourself. Focus on the appearance that makes you feel good about yourself. Not only will this help your own state of mind, but it will also often pique the husband's interest. And this is when the perception starts to change.
When it does, you must move slowly. You can not push or ask for clarification or overreact. He must think that he's coming to his own conclusions and he must eventually perceive that he's better of with you than without you. This often requires that you're able to connect in a positive and intimate way again. You already know how to do this. You did it when you first fell in love.
It was my husband, not me, who wanted out of our marriage. He the end of our marriage was imminent. I knew that it wasn't and I refused to give up. But, for a long time, I drew on negative emotions rather than positive ones. Eventually, I realized that I had to use a methodical, positive
approach that worked. You can read that story on my blog at
http://isavedmymarriage.com/