My Husband Is Attracted To My Friend: I Know My Husband Finds My Best Friend Attractive
In the movie, "Hope Floats," with Sandra Bullock, her husband walks out to pursue a relationship with her best friend. Ouch! Unfortunately, this is a common happening. Infidelity is painful enough without your best friend being the other person. Do you know of anyone who has had this painful experience?
As a Marriage, Family Therapist, I had the opportunity to uncover this problem with clients. For example, Frank and his wife bought a resort in the country. They hired his best friend, John, to assist her while he continued his job in the city to support their investment. The couple was planning to retire there in 10 years.
Frank made the long trip to the resort most weekends. A year later, his wife, Elizabeth, filed for divorce. Besides feeling terrible that his dream was shattered, he was devastated to find out why. John and his wife had been lovers and intended to get married.
Susan loved her younger sister, Hannah, and felt she was her best friend. The computer salesperson was shocked to discover that Hannah, who was often jealous of her sister's relationship, was having an affair with her husband.
These are just some examples of the many cases of this phenomenon. Why would our best friends be disloyal to us? There are no excuses for this unfaithful behavior. However, it helps to understand the contributing factors.
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I discovered that our friends are often a lot like us. They focus on the same things and have similar strengths and interests. People who are right-brain dominant live a lot in their feelings and creativity and are more likely to have friends who are also that way. Men and women who are dominant left-brain are more attracted to friends who are also very mental and logical.
To the contrary, lovers are likely to have the opposite strengths to balance each other. We have often heard the expression, "Opposites attract." For example, Frank and his best friend, John, were both left-brain dominant. However, his wife was right-brain dominant. John's personality was very similar to Frank's. Since his wife Elizabeth was attracted to Frank, she was also open to loving John.
It is the same scenario with Susan and her sister who were both very pretty and very much alike. Her husband was easily drawn to Hannah.
Another factor is that your best friends and siblings often spend time a lot of time with you and your partner. Therefore, it is easy for your lover to get involved with them.
Finally, I also discovered that, in all the cases, the couples' relationships had problems that were not being resolved. In fact, that truth came out in the movie with Sandra Bullock. Both of them were feeling unfulfilled when her husband had an affair with her best friend.
The key here is to keep your relationship alive and resolve any problems. People usually do not go looking elsewhere when they are happy and fulfilled. Also, be aware of friends who express their jealousy of your relationship. Their insecurities may supersede their loyalty to you.
Finally, if your lover leaves you for another, especially for your best friend, they obviously cannot be trusted to be in integrity and loyal to you. They are likely to demonstrate the same insensitive negative behavior with your best friend. Once you heal the hurt and learn from your experience, move on to a healthier partner and create a more successful relationship. No matter what others do or say, you are lovable and you deserve a loving, long lasting relationship.
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Are there times when a divorce is inevitable? No. You can always save your marriage by doing the right things. But, is saving a marriage easy? No. Not at all - it is a long road, and you have to take the right turns at every junction. It's not easy, but it can be done. Then, which ones are the right turns, and which are the wrong ones?
Let me tell you outright what the wrong things are - what you must absolutely refrain from doing: All kinds of pleading and begging. And don't think that you can save a marriage by simply talking to your spouse and trying to talk him or her out of it. I am sure that left and right you hear about how marriage is all about communication. And this is very true - but talking is not the only means of communication. In fact, if your spouse wants a divorce, this means that the time for talking has passed. Once a side decides on a divorce, what "talking" would mean is that the other side begging. And like I said - you must absolutely refrain from begging.
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I told that talking is not the only means of communication - but then, it's obvious that to make things better, you have to communicate, and if not by talking, then how?
Stop crying and begging, for example. Doing that sends a simple "I am not begging you, and I am not property" message to your spouse.
Stay, and appear, strong, and this reinforces this message. Get out with your friends on a Sunday morning and don't come till it's evening.
What will all of those achieve?
They will make you look like what you are, an independent and equal individual. When your spouse wants a divorce and knows that you don't; this puts you in an "easy to have" position.
No one wants something that's easy to have. You want what you can't have - human psychology!
The above actions send the message: "No. I am not so easy to have", and this makes you more attractive to your spouse, which is the key to stopping the divorce.
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In the beginning, we say "I do" and start out on what we envision to be a lifetime honeymoon. However, sooner or later we all get a good dose of reality by realizing that plain old life does go on, even when you're in love. Things he does will start to irritate you when you used to think they were cute, and things she says are going to make you see red. It doesn't mean you don't love each other any more, and it certainly isn't grounds for a divorce, but sometimes it takes a little expert coaching to help you both back into harmonious living again. A marriage expert is just what the doctor ordered.
A marriage coach is not the same thing as a marriage counselor. Counselors come into play when the marriage is totally on the verge of collapse. A marriage coach, on the other hand, can help you understand the things you're feeling and why you're feeling that way. There is nothing easy about living with another person who has likes and dislikes that are completely different from yours, and you have to learn how to get past the bumps in the road while building a solid relationship. Love is a component of a successful marriage, but it's by far not the only consideration.
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Sometimes just talking things over with someone who has a sympathetic yet impartial ear can make a world of difference in your outlook on life and your marriage. A marriage expert can help guide a discussion as well as teach both partners techniques for dealing with the day to day problems they are inevitably going to have to endure. No one is born knowing how to be married. A lot of it is trial and error, compromise, and tolerance. In addition, if you can get a bit of advice from someone you feel confident you can rely on, the more the better.
There's nothing to be ashamed of in admitting that your marriage could use a little fine tuning. Going to a marriage expert can mean the difference between building a strong, solid relationship and having your marriage fall apart. So which would you choose?
Couples can love one another and yet find themselves drifting apart and headed for a divorce. There are steps you can take, with or without the aid of your spouse to
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Keep your marriage intact and discover ways to prioritize the important aspects in order to have a balance in your relationship. As a couple, understand what is the most important and the least important in your relationship to be able to attain balance.
In a marriage counseling session, you will learn that the best way to resolve a conflict is to know what your priorities are. Listed below are the set of advices from a marriage counselor concerning the order of priorities a couple must try to adhere to:
Marriage
A happy couple means a happy family or domestic life. The way for a couple to be happy and content with the relationship is to stay connected. How could you stay connected? Spend some quality time just by yourselves.
In marriage counseling, your eyes will be open on how essential it is for you to make an effort to set a time for a regular date. Not because you're already married means that you need to stop dating. In fact, it is all the more important because that is the time when you can bond and enjoy each other's company by doing the things you love such as watching a movie or eating in a restaurant. By being alone, you could openly talk and get emotionally connected with each other.
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Children
As soon as you get married, the very first thing people expect is for you start having kids. In a marriage counseling session, you'll learn that for your kids to be happy and well-balanced, you, as a couple, should have a harmonious relationship. So first and foremost, make an effort to maintain a healthy husband and wife relationship. You don't have to spend all weekends tutoring your kids or attending to their out of school activities. Allot a time for just the both of you, minus the company of your kids. So after doing your parental duties, set time for your regular date to be have some private moments as a couple.
Job
Of course it's very important to earn a living. How could you give your family a comfortable life when you'll just sit around and not work? But remember that it shouldn't get in the way of your relationship. Don't spend the weekends in the office or avoid taking your paper works at home.
You should also set limits, you might be working too hard for the luxuries that you sacrifice the time supposed to be spent with your family. It's not bad to work too hard for your family, but you should learn to balance your time.
Family And Friends
You will learn from a marriage counseling session the importance of a support group from family and friends. It is normal in every marriage to have some marital problems and your family and friends are the people whom you would usually seek advice from. However, avoid involving them in your regular dates as a couple. Do spend time with them but remember to have the alone time as a couple, too.
Setting your priorities to have a smooth married life is a valuable lesson you'll get from a marriage counseling session.
Now Listen Carefully-
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