My Husband Is Overweight: My Husband Is Overweight And It Turns Me Off
Over time, many couples grow into complacency in their relationship. They begin to grow so comfortable with one another many things about them change - including their weight. But what happens when a spouse puts on so much weight, their partner is no longer attracted?
This can be a major problem for a couple which can easily drive a wedge between them. But the problem is different for women than it is for men. And the main reasoning behind the loss of feeling is often not entirely a result of the additional weight issue.
Women will often put on additional weight due to pregnancy and having children to take care of. Men can't use that as an excuse and have to chalk being overweight up to just letting themselves go - which a woman can also be guilty of. Regardless of the reason, it can cause the spouse to feel they no longer matter. If a wife allows herself to put on too much weight, her husband can perceive this as his wife has lost interest in being intimate.
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Why is a spouse so repulsed by the excess weight? It could be because they feel the overweight spouse doesn't care enough about them to stay slim and fit. Feeling they don't matter enough for their spouse to stay fit or to lose weight, is offensive and hurtful to some. They fell in love with one person and now that person is not represented in the same way.
Another reason is because they feel they are being cheated. Anyone who gains too much weight, is endangering their health. This could lead to a shorter life span which would leave their partner alone with much to deal with. So why wouldn't the overweight partner care enough to want to be with their spouse as long as possible? Placing themselves in danger could create animosity for their spouse.
But there are many times the physical attraction has subsided even without a weight gain. The spouse will often use the weight gain to justify not being attracted, when it actually has nothing to do with it. There could be something else going on and the weight gain is the final straw.
The most important thing to remember here is to sit down with your spouse and discuss your feelings. This needs to be done without being harsh or hurtful to their feelings. Talking it over will bring the issue into the open and then the two of you can work the problem out together.
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Some people find it hard to believe that the marriage failure rate is so incredibly high (up to eighty percent in some countries) but I am not one of them. Just think: Take two completely different people and make them live under one roof. There are bound to be problems. The problems can be overcome, but this needs dedication, willingness to self sacrifice, commitment, loyalty and responsibility. But this is 2009 and people just don't have those qualities any more. So no, the fact that most marriages fail isn't shocking to me one bit. But you are not one of those people who don't have such qualities. You don't want to simply let everything go - you are ready to fight for this marriage.
When in such a situation, usually the first thing that comes to mind is marriage counseling. And indeed it works - but it works when both sides want to remain in the marriage. Will it work when your spouse wants a divorce but you want to stop it? Hardly. This is why being alone in trying to stop your divorce is a really bad situation to be in - there doesn't seem to be anywhere you can turn for help.
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This pushes most people to thinking of "methods" of saving marriages by themselves. Unfortunately, this is not the correct way to go - simply because this means that you are relying on yourself when you're the most unreliable: You are in the middle of an ending marriage and your mind is rampant with emotions. You can't rely on yourself. So, what must you do?
What should be done is:
1. Acknowledge the above fact. Acknowledge that you aren't the best source of good advice now. Realize that the emotions inside you will misguide you into doing the wrong things such as begging or pleading. Those are the real marriage killers.
2. When you have come to terms with the above fact, you are now ready to describe your situation to people to whom you can trust and ask for some outside advice. You won't believe the important points that you are missing now just because you are in the middle of the whole thing. Someone not in your situation can have an incredibly wider perspective on your issues and guide you the right way. You are not going to make any progress until you realize these facts - I didn't (yes, I was in your situation) make any progress until I was made aware of these facts.
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Marriage counseling teaches you and your partner to balance your priorities. With all of your responsibilities at home and work, it can be very easy to spend less time on your marriage. You might not have noticed it, but the lesser time you have spent with your partner caused troubles in your relationship. Besides the lack of communication, you tend to forget about the things that you need to be discussing such as your plans, feelings, and problems you are currently experiencing.
Spending time with each other allows you to know each other in a different level. With communication, the two of you can manage your marriage properly. If you have issues on your budget that should be discussed, problems can be addressed immediately. Without it, you and your partner might nag one another about the things both failed to do.
Knowing Your Priorities
You and your partner have priorities and life and these things affect how you build your marriage. What are the most significant parts of your life and how do you prioritize every part? Knowing you priority will also help you understand why you're having marriage problems now and taking a marriage counseling program.
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To comprehend your priorities, you have to take a second to realize what keeps you busy nowadays. In urgent situations, you have to know the part of your life you prioritize the most. Is it marriage, children, job, or your friends and family? Here are the things you have to do in your marriage counseling program to assess your priorities and help you to keep the balance.
• In no particular order, write down the list of the most important parts of your life. This list may include marriage, children, job, hobbies, health, friends, extended family, and others.
• Pick the top 8 most important parts of your life.
• Divide a circle into 8 equal sections and label each line with the 8 priorities you chosen.
• Now, take your time to realize the amount of time you spend on each label. If you spend more time in a particular priority, the line should reach the outer part of the circle. On the other hand, the line must be shorter if the priority receives lesser time.
• If your priorities are balanced, the wheel you've drawn should have no problem of running smoothly. If it's not, it represents the bumpy road you're experiencing in your marriage.
Prioritize Your Marriage
Marriage counseling knows the value of marriage in your priorities. If you've got responsibilities to your boss, colleagues, children, family, and friends, be sure to prioritize your marriage first. You should know that the secret to a stronger marriage isn't just growing old together, but both of you have to grow closer to one another.
To make everything easy for the both of you, spend at least eight hours a week of quality time alone with each other. As a foundation of your marriage, your relationship must continue to grow. If you are having problems with your time, marriage counseling is a great way to find the very best solution.
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Susan blamed her husband, Stan, for all their problems. Of course, he felt terrible and responded by being passive aggressive. When he was home, Stan spent a lot of his time at his computer. In this vicious cycle, Susan kept verbally attacking her husband and Stan kept shutting down. Because the couple was stuck in their dysfunctional behaviors, they remained in emotional pain. Can you relate to this drama? Unfortunately, it is not uncommon.
In an alternative pattern, Melissa and John were both "blamers." Needless to say, they had a very noisy household. Their children used to cower when their parents started yelling accusations at each other. Needless to say, that was one painful family.
The last couple dynamics looks like this. When Tony wanted to blame his wife, Melissa, for their problems, he was sarcastic and gave her dirty looks. Melissa responded by spending money they did not have on things they did not need. Their relatively quiet house hid their underground cold war. Tony and Melissa reached out to others to receive love and attention. Affairs do not solve problems. In fact, they just add "fuel to the fire."
Obviously, blaming does not serve anyone. In fact, it hurts the other person and backfires on you. It is a great way to push away friends, lovers, children, etc. What is the solution?
Realize that you are responsible for your feelings and decisions. Put your blaming finger down to your side and ask yourself what you contributed to the problem. Then, explore what you can do differently. Once you are clear, if you need to talk to your partner, identify the problem, and, then, brainstorm how you can solve it with a win-win agreement.
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Problems need to be solved. They are not excuses to attack each other in passive or active ways. Beneath angry blame are the underlying feelings of fear, hurt and/or powerlessness. For example, Tony felt he was not good enough. Instead of owning his painful fear, he is likely to blame the problem on others.
Children suffer dearly when they are outwardly blamed for the actions or feelings of others. Ironically, they think that the world revolves around them, and they are likely to automatically feel responsible for others. Knowing this, healthy parents clearly tell the children that they are only responsible for their actions. They teach by example how to take responsibility for what happens to them and encourage everyone to do the same.
If you find yourself blaming others for what happens, it is very likely that is what you experienced in your childhood. Ironically, you probably hated the attacks but may unconsciously repeat the dysfunctional pattern. Or, you may be in a relationship with someone who blames you like one of two of your parents did. It is familiar to you, and you felt you deserved it.
The truth is that nobody deserves to be blamed. If we make a mistake, we can apologize and learn from the experience. We are all human, and we are likely to blunder. However, we do not need to be hurt by others for it. If you are blaming yourself, forgive yourself. If you are blaming others, forgive yourself and change your hurtful no-win pattern to one of taking responsibility for your part. Solve the problem, and your relationships with others and yourself will be healthier and happier. You have the power to create a loving relationship.
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