Negative Words Can Poison a Relationship

Positive words are not enough to guarantee that a relationship will be successful, but negative words can quickly guarantee that even a great relationship is heading for trouble. Speaking positively about one’s partner as well as speaking positively about committed relationships in general is a common trait that you will find among long term happy couples. While we often credit happy couples with speaking positively about their relationships because they are happy, I would also argue that part of the reason that they are so happy is because they speak positively about their relationship. Here are some common ways that words can poison what often started out as a promising relationship. Being “Tied Down” by Marriage- Most of us have known at least one engaged couple that had one partner who was constantly bemoaning how they would soon be losing their freedom. I happen to be one of those people who believe that you can often tell more about a person’s true feelings when they are joking than when they are serious. It makes me leery when I hear a future bride or groom joking about their partner being a "ball and chain" before they get married, even though I know that many people believe that these comments are just harmless fun. I think that a tell tale sign that there is more than just harmless fun behind these comments is the types of people that join in with the being “tied down” joking. The bulk of the people joining in are usually the type of singles who have commitment problems or married couples who seem perpetually unhappy. It is the happily married couples who not only avoid the negative comments, but who often defend marriage and married life. I've been to many weddings where there were lots of ball and chain jokes. What I always find interesting about them is that even though each member of the couple may seem very much in love with their future spouse, they seem very negative about the entire notion of marriage. Over the years, I have seen what was supposed to be innocent joking turn into real bitterness about feeling tied down by marriage. I'm not saying that these people would not have ended up bitter even if they didn't talk so negatively about marriage, but I certainly don't think that it put them off to a good start. “I’m a Lucky Catch”- I've known quite a few men and women that describe themselves as "a great catch" for their spouse. Some have successful careers where they make a lot of money, some are exceptionally good looking, and some fall into both categories. Whatever the reason, they are convinced that their partner was lucky to get such a great catch. Aside from the obvious ego issues that plague people like this, there is also the problem of what it conveys to your partner. If your partner is so lucky to have you, then it also implies that you are somewhat unlucky to have married them. This is another one of those scenarios that seems to start out innocently enough with one person joking around about how lucky their partner is to have them, but the "innocent" teasing often becomes intentional very quickly. These relationships seem to end one of two ways. Either the "great catch" deciding that they should find someone who is a little more worthy of them, or the other spouse tires of constantly being made to feel inferior by always having to hear how lucky they are to have found the great catch. Support Group Versus Misery Loves Company- Having people in our lives who will listen to our problems and concerns is an important part of being able to cope with life’s difficulties. When deciding who to share our troubles with, we need to keep in mind that we should feel better rather than worse, after we've spoken about our problems. Most people agree that when we surround ourselves with positive people that we feel better, and when we spend too much time with negative people we're likely to feel depressed. This is true in all aspects of our lives, but it is especially important if you are planning to discuss your relationship problems. Do you find that mentioning a minor relationship problem to a friend results in you having more complaints about your partner at the end of the conversation than you did at the beginning? If the answer is yes, then this is a “misery loves company” kind of friend, not a supportive friend. Expressing concerns about your relationship to the misery loves company crowd will quickly turn even innocent remarks about your relationship problems into poison for your love life rather than making you feel like the weight of your problems has been lifted. As I stated at the beginning, speaking and thinking positively about committed relationships as well as your partner cannot guarantee happiness. On the other hand, if you think about the happiest couples that you know I'm sure that they all speak very positively about each other and the entire notion of long term relationships. I'm not saying that everyone in the scenarios above could be happy if they thought and spoke about relationships in a positive way, but I do believe that if you say and think something enough times that you start to believe it. If the things that you think and say about commitment and your partner are always negative, then it is bound to have a negative effect on your relationship.