Nothing Personal--But It's Not About You

Whenever we have an opportunity to connect to others--be it friends, acquaintances, business associates, or family members--we run the risk of having our feelings hurt. On hearing that statement you might be thinking that you are better off not interacting at all! Of course, that is not what I mean. I wanted to shock you; to get your attention for the purpose of reflecting on your daily communications with others.

When we communicate with others we always have choices. First, we can choose to only hear them (but let our minds be focused on something else) or we can choose to listen to them; letting their words or actions impact us in some way. Another choice we can make is that of acknowledgement. Acknowledgements may be given out of politeness--both with hearing and listening. Our acknowledgement may be a negative or positive acknowledgement. We can choose to immediately accept what we hear or see, we can choose to think about the experience, or we can choose to let go of what we've experienced and go on with our day.

But, what happens if we see or hear something that we perceive as an affront or a slight? Do we immediately become defensive and take it personally, or do we let it go? Taking things personally is usually the result of reading negative intent into the words or actions of others. It is also a form of negative narcissism; that means thinking that other's comments and behavior are always the result of a personal interaction with us. In most cases, what others do or say has little or nothing to do with us! Their words and actions are based on their experiences, perceptions or emotions--not ours! If we decide to take their remarks or actions personally we end up stressing and hurting ourselves. Continuing with the theme of narcissism, when we allow ourselves to feel stressed or hurt by the actions of others it then becomes, "All about us."

If we are tempted to take a comment or action personally, putting some distance between ourselves and the other person can help us put things in the proper perspective. We need to try to determine what we're feeling--what's the emotion. If what was said or done is an opinion or a belief that is contrary to ours, it may be that we needed the other person to agree with us for the sake of validation. Perhaps the words or actions simply reinforced some deep-rooted insecurity within us. If we keep replaying the scenario over and over in our mind and really feel that the offensive behavior was intended as an insult; we may want to ask the other person for more clarification or understanding.

We might try to imagine that we are the other person--putting ourselves n their shoes. Instead of taking what we heard or saw as an insult, remember that whatever was said or done is based on the other person's opinion and is indicative of what is going on inside their psyche. Again, it has nothing to do with US. Or, we simply may have been an easy target for someone having a bad day, and their words or action may have been offered with no ill intentions.

When we realize that what people say or do usually doesn't have anything to do with us, we can let go of feelings of hurt or attack. While it's easy to take things personally, we should never let anyone's perceptions or actions affect how we see ourselves or interfere with our worthiness or deservingness. Each life is personal to its owner, and it is up to us to influence our own value and sense of well-being.

© Copyright 2011 Dr. Janolyn F. Moore, PhD. All rights reserved.