Overcoming Adversity - How to Release the Pain from a Break Up

Remember the song from the 70’s, “Breaking up is hard to do!”? It’s amazing, how even though we may know that a relationship is not serving our highest good or meeting our needs, we can still hang on tenaciously hoping that something will change. That change may be that the other person becomes who we want them to be or that we may become the person the other one wants us to be. Either way, there is something out of balance with that belief.

As human beings we are meant to be in relationships. It is our basic instinct to socialize and create bonds with those who we love. We learn what relationships are by those who raise us or are our primary caregivers. What we observe as we grow up determines what type of relationships we will be in as we enter into adulthood.

From the ages of 1-7 years old, we watch and take in the world around us. We download information about whether the world we live in is safe. We absorb messages that those close to us tell us or demonstrate. We learn if we are lovable. We learn if we deserve to be nurtured, cared for or made special. We learn whether or not it is safe for us to open our hearts and allow others in. Children at this age are wonderful observers and lousy interpreters. Unable to decipher or make sense of whether or not what they are observing is true.

From the ages of about 7 – 12 years old all of this information and experience is locked in to what we call the unconscious. That part of us that has us behave in certain ways unless it is made conscious. If we learned that love was our birthright and that we are love itself, we would look out into the world with an open heart. If we learned that love hurt or was not to be trusted, we learned to close our heart.

If this unconscious belief is not brought to our conscious attention, we will go through life either being successful in relationships or unsuccessful. We begin creating a story or theme of how we are in relationships. Often we repeat our story over and over and over again; like a broken record. For instance, every time we tell ourselves or others how unsuccessful we are in relationships it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. We keep etching the story deeper and deeper into our cellular memory and our neural pathways. It’s a pattern that will continue unless the cycle is broken and there are ways to begin breaking this pattern.

Here is a tip I invite you to explore. Start becoming aware of your story and how you view yourself in relationships. Notice if you continue to document the story you keep repeating. That is, if you have had relationships in the past that for whatever reason didn’t work out, notice if you make blanket statements that keep that story alive. An example is, “I am really lousy in relationships and they never work out.” Begin to catch yourself when you say those statements and ask yourself if that is true. Often when we catch what we are staying, we can begin to change the language to create a new outcome. It takes practice, patience and gentleness to begin breaking out of a pattern of thinking. Give yourself time. Eventually you will begin to notice that the pattern of who you thought you were begins to shift. You will begin attracting people and relationships that bring you more satisfaction and success. You are one thought away from stepping into a whole new you.