Parenting Teens with a Beginner's Mind

Beginner's mind is a Zen expression asking us to look at everything as though we're seeing it for the very first time. As adults, this can be quite a challenge. We typically don't stop to look at something afresh, but instead rely upon what we already know from memory to form opinions, make choices and move quickly to the next task. We are great at multi-tasking and having our minds in several places at once as we go through our day. Have you ever gotten home after work or running errands only to realize that you don't remember any part of actually driving home? Do you ever find yourself absentmindedly nodding while your child is talking and have no idea what she is really saying?

When parenting with a beginner's mind everything is new in this moment. So, in order to have a beginner's mind we need to be present and attentive in this moment, we need to be mindful.

"Mindfulness means paying attention in a particular way; on purpose, in the present moment, and nonjudgementally." ~Jon Kabat-Zinn

In her book, The Mindful Woman, Sue Patton Thoele highlights four elements of mindfulness: Paying attention, Living in the Moment, Simplifying and Breathing. A summary of her points are below.

Paying Attention - Focused attention allows you to see clearly and in finer detail. By compassionately focusing your attention on another, it's possible to understand their thoughts, feelings, desires, and doubts more intimately. Focusing awareness on the now not only gives you the opportunity to change what isn't working, it also allows you to enhance and appreciate that which is working.

Living in the Moment - Being consciously, compassionately, and nonjudgmentally present to what is happening now. In reality, mindfulness is calming, grounding, and centering. We become mindful...through intentional practice, practice, practice.

Simplifying - ...our time and energy can become fragmented by trying to answer the braying demands of multiple obligations and opportunities. Because mindful minutes calm our souls, quiet our minds, and open our hearts, they are well worth the effort of learning and incorporating them into our lives. There are countless ways to simplify your inner and outer lives... [Whether it's ridding yourself of clutter in your home or office or eliminating derogatory self-talk] how much simpler our lives are when we toss such things into the trash. Simple is calming. Simple is satisfying.

Breathing - Breath is the bridge between body and mind and the gateway to the present moment. By focusing on your breath, you can easily bring yourself into the here and now and attune mind and heart to your physical body. Breath practices are centered around the following guidelines: Attention to breath, Deepening of breath, Directing of breath. Using your breath consciously enhances your vitality, increases your daily joy, opens you more fully to love, and brings you richly and deeply into the practice of mindfulness.

Try practicing mindfulness today. Look at your child as if you're seeing him for the very first time, really SEE him for who he is TODAY. He's not the same child as he was yesterday or the day before. Discover who he is right in this moment.

Listen to your child as if you never heard her talk to you in that way before...because she hasn't! It's a totally new conversation and you could miss something simply amazing if you're not attentive to her every word and watching the expressions that cross her face as she speaks. Now is a new experience. Allow yourself the opportunity to enjoy it for exactly what it is.

Parenting with a beginner's mind definitely gets easier as you keep practicing. Playfully experiment with the practice of mindfulness (including not judging yourself!!) and you'll notice more aliveness in your life and in your relationships.