Part II - Steps to Stop Being Co-dependant

My last article talked about what Co-dependence is and how it shows up in people’s lives. Although it’s great to have insight into what codependence looks like, it’s even more important to be able to stop codependent behaviors. Below are several tips to stop codependency. Keep in mind that it is often helpful to seek out professional help to assist you on this journey of healing from codependency.

Tips to jumpstart your journey away from codependency:

1. Control your own behavior and stop trying to control the actions and behaviors of others. Don’t tell others what to do and how to do it or tweak what they’ve done because they didn’t do it as you would do it.

2. Pay attention to your anxiety and manage your anxiety rather than trying to manage the world.

3. Get conscious of your critical lens and how that plays out in your life and in the lives of those around you. Stop the critiques, analyzing and “fixing” of others.

4. Work on your self-esteem. Do not look to others to make you feel as though you are okay. Healthy self-esteem comes from the inside out NOT the outside in. Things outside yourself such as romantic attention, material things or performance may feel good, make your life easier or be enjoyable but they do NOT make you worthy. You’re already worthy—even when someone is angry with you, has an affair on you or tells you you’re a terrible person.

5. Use your boundaries. Know what’s about you and what’s not about you. If you don’t have any boundaries then work on getting boundaries. Read about them (Boundary POST HERE) Pia Mellody’s The Intimacy Factor, seek professional help to learn about them, practice them every day and get really conscious about what’s about you and what’s not about you.

6. Stop blaming others for your upsets. Know that other people’s actions cannot make you angry, hurt, and reactive or fall apart. Only you have control of what you think, feel or do.

7. Allow others to feel the consequences of their actions and stop enabling, defending or excusing their behaviors. If you make it easy for them to continue doing what they’re doing…they will continue doing it. For example, if your partner’s an alcoholic and you buy them alcohol, clean up their messes or call their boss to say they can’t go to work—you make it easy for them to drink.

8. Have humility. Remember that your “right” way is not the only “right” way to do things. Stop trying to get perfection from yourself or others and learn to let go.

9. Change your lens. Purposefully begin to focus only on the positives. Pay attention to what your children, partners, coworkers etc. do right. You have to readjust your lens—it’s skewed.

10. Get help. Codependency often is a product of childhood and takes hard work to get past. Do yourself and your family a favor and be committed to working it.

When people struggle with codependency, they take the world on their shoulders and it is way to heavy of a weight to carry. Learn to let go. Learn to breathe, step back and allow others to do things their way. If you need to set a limit, do so; however don’t confuse the need to set a limit with your need for perfection. Stop constantly telling others where they’re off and instead only look at you. Decide what you can and cannot do and stop micromanaging the world—that is an impossible feat that will forever leave you frustrated and unsatisfied.

Challenge: Learn to love yourself for who you are and let go of trying to get that from other people. Pay attention to all the micromanaging you do and choose one thing at a time to stop managing. Deal with the anxiety that comes up as a result and BREATHE through it—you will be okay.