Profile of a Narcissist Attractor

Often a partner of a narcissist is a narcissist attractor, but may not realize it until they’ve attracted more than one narcissist. They may have a narcissist in their family of origin, but not always, and not all children of narcissists end up with one. Not all partners of narcissists were raised in unhappy families. People who grew up loving and trusting their parents are also susceptible because they expect others to be loving and trustworthy. Thus, they are less guarded and naive to narcissistic manipulative tactics.

Similarly, it’s untrue that narcissists look for weak, vulnerable partners.

It’s a person’s personality and behavior that attracts a narcissist. They look for certain qualities that feed their narcissistic supply – someone who has these traits:

An empathetic, supportive listener.
An accommodator – someone who would rather please and follow than lead.
Someone attractive, successful, wealthy, or talented who enhances the narcissist’s self-esteem or lifestyle.
Someone who admires them and who won’t compete with them.
Someone non-confrontational, who avoids conflict and doesn’t express strong opinions or tell them that they’re wrong.
Someone without strong boundaries. Narcissists dislike hearing “no.”
Someone looking for a hero. This is usually the result of past trauma. They enjoy making you dependent on them so they can feel heroic and powerful and receive your gratitude for saving them. (You see this in politics and group behavior as well.)
A forgiving person. Narcissists can’t help but show bad behavior after a while. They seek someone forgiving, who won’t hold them accountable and make excuses for them.
Someone who is codependent and has low self-esteem. This does not exclude people who are successful, attractive, or talented.
Many of these traits are admirable, attractive qualities. They are traits that the narcissists don’t possess themselves but wish they did, such as the empathy they lack. Narcissists look at relationships as transactional. They’re interested in what their partner can do for them.

After they believe their partner is dependent and hooked on them, they no longer make the effort to win over a prospective partner with love-bombing. Their self-centeredness is more evident, and they start to tear down the partner they first idealized. They don’t want to believe anyone is better than they are and disregard your feelings due to their lack of empathy. As they expected, the empathetic partner with poor boundaries will continue to forgive their bad behavior and abuse, make excuses for them, try harder to please the narcissist, and suffer the consequences as a result. They misunderstand the nature of narcissism and believe if they’re more loving and accommodating to the narcissist, the abuse will stop. However, it only encourages more abuse as they lose more power.

Many neurodivergent people fit into the category of a narcissist attractor. They’re often trusting and believe what people say, ignoring subtleties, sarcasm, deceit, and manipulation. They may not spot body cues and red flags as easily as others, making them easy targets. They’re susceptible to people complimenting them and treating them kindly and may quickly feel strong emotions for a narcissist before getting to know them.

Neurodivergent people who are empathic and feel the narcissist’s pain will excuse and tolerate abusive behavior. They often have low self-esteem because they’re different and may have been criticized or bullied. Thus, they idealize romantic partners and may easily take on narcissists’ projections and accept narcissistic verbal abuse and blame for problems.

To stop being a Narcissist Attractor, you don’t have to curb your empathy or kindness, be competitive, be a leader, or take control. Read about the difference between empathy and codependence. You need to know yourself and be aware of and value your needs and feelings. Notice when you feel unsafe. Don’t be misled by excitement and “chemistry.” This is often anxiety. Don’t fall for immediate gestures of love and love bombing. Trust your gut and intuition. If you have doubts, pay attention.

If a negative behavior triggers you, speak up. It’s okay to leave if you’re uncomfortable. Instead of being open about your weaknesses that a narcissist can exploit, be assertive about your discomforts, needs, and wants, and be vulnerable about what you don’t like or disagree with. This process will help you set boundaries.

Learn the red flags to watch for, your own blind spots, and how to improve or leave a relationship with a narcissist, addict, or any abuser in Dating, Loving, and Leaving a Narcissist: Essential Tools for Improving or Leaving Narcissistic and Abusive Relationships https://whatiscodependency.com/dating-loving-and-leaving-a-narcissist/

© Darlene Lancer 2025