Questions to Quelch Conflict

Times of extreme change--such as those we're living in now--create extreme opportunity. They also create extreme conflict. Opportunity we love; conflict, well, not so much.

It's not that conflict is bad--in fact, by challenging the status quo, conflict can help generate fresh new information and ideas. But in my experience, very few of us know how to respond to a conflict early, before it grows out-of-proportion and drains our time and energy.

Here are my favorite questions to use when I'm helping clients and teams quelch conflict. Try them out for yourself and see if they can bring you a few steps closer to peace.

Question 1: What's this conflict about--really?
In my parent's community, a major real estate developer has defaulted on its promised payments, and the residents have been hurt. But their response falls into two camps: some are working with the developer to find new solutions within a bad economic situation; some are instead running to the lawyers and shouting angry words. During a recent visit, I watched as this conflict pitted neighbor against neighbor, fed by assumption and rumor. A nice place to live is now starting to look like the next "Real Housewives" franchise.

But when you ask the questio
"what is this conflict about--really?", you see it's all about fear. Fear from some neighbors of losing significant money (which equals security, a basic human need.) Fear from others of watching a happy, healthy community collapse. Fear from the once-reputable developer of declaring bankruptcy which can feel like failure. With all this at stake, it's no wonder the conflict is tense.

When you're in conflict, you can often trace it back to fear. Find the fear, and you find the heart of the conflict. When you accept and acknowledge those fears, you pave the way for new ideas and solutions to present themselves.

2. What's in it for them? What's in it for me?
Once you've identified the fear, then it's time to identify the stakes. If you're engaged in conflict, take a breath and put yourself in your competitor's shoes. Get clear on what is in it for them to get their way.

For example, in the story above, the stakes for the neighbors might be seen simply as "money." That's a big stake for anyone today . . . but could it be more than that? Could it be about not feeling taken advantage of by "big business"? Could it be about justice? Preventing precedent? Different people might have different opinions about what truly is in it for them.

If you're personally engaged in conflict, are you clear why? What are you getting out of it? If it's good debate practice, that's great--as long as you love debate. If you're not really sure what's in it for you in a conflict, you might move to the last question, which is . . .

3. What's the consequence of doing nothing?
If you truly want peace, disengaging from conflict can be the most effective strategy. As Kenny Rogers sang, "You gotta know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em."

What might happen if you respectfully decline to engage in the conflict? What if you don't respond to that email confrontation? What if you pass on attending the meeting? What if you agree to disagree? Will the heavens collide. . .or will the issue fade away?

Of course, many conflicts need to be confronted, quickly and strongly. But before you start swinging, consider whether doing nothing might be the best solution of all.

Now, these are pretty simple questions to what can be very complex situations. I don't mean to propose that these questions can solve everything. But I've seen these questions--and their answers--generate new awareness for people and organizations in conflict, helping them create a new path toward peace. Since conflict will always be a part of our fast-changing world, isn't it worth it to ask some simple questions before a battle truly begins?

Finally, if these questions don't help you reach resolution, there are a few other things you can do. Breathe. Relax. Wait. Time has a fascinating way of changing things and making yesterday's crisis irrelevant today. I'm usually a proponent for action, but when it comes to quelching conflict, giving it space can sometimes give it the opportunity to fade.