Reducing Frustration and Improving Communications

Although no one likes to admit it, communicating with someone we love who has dementia is often frustrating. The memory loss makes even the most mundane discussion difficult; and many caregivers complain about the constant repeated questions like “what day is it?” Sometimes, the personality changes are the hardest part. rnThere are general techniques to assist us in day-to-day experiences, but one main factor is our own attitude. A person with difficulty processing information and communicating often retains an ability to sense non-verbal communication. That is the type of communication “written on our face,” in our tone of voice, or in our touch. While we can certainly fake our reactions to appear calm, reassuring, and patient, it is much better if we actually are calm, reassuring, and patient! This loving reaction requires us to examine how we respond to the caregiving role, our changing relationship with our loved one, and our own feelings. Not only is dementia life-changing for people experiencing it, but also for those who love and care for them. Examining our own emotional reactions, communication style, and perspective can help us have a less stressful communication style with our loved one. Acceptance is Key:rnWhile some types of dementia can be reversed, many cannot. Learning about the disease causing the dementia and its likely course is an important first step in accepting a situation. The following expression comes from an old prayer; you may find it useful to repeat to yourself when you struggle with guilt, frustration or anger over the disease: “Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot changernThe courage to change the things I canrnAnd the wisdom to know the difference” While accepting certain things can be difficult initially, caregiving is ultimately easier when we acknowledge and understand the things than cannot be changed. Some examples of things you cannot necessarily change: 1. His or her reality: You cannot “cure” a person’s confusion by reasoning with him. The brain is not functioning the way it once did and no amount of arguing about reality will change that. Assume what they are saying is “true for them” and let it be. rn2. Communication and Thought Symptoms: While some dementia can be reversed depending on type, Alzheimer’s Disease, for instance, is unlikely to improve. Trying very hard to change certain speech or thought patterns may never work. Speaking to the doctor and learning more can help distinguish which things are futile and which things can be improved.rn3. Your Loved One’s Behavior: Disturbing behaviors, such as swearing or angry outbursts, may happen with certain types of dementia because of changes in the brain that neither you nor the other person can control.rn4. Other People: When a senior parent has dramatic personality changes like dementia, this can alter the family dynamics. Sometimes this will bring about or enhance underlying family conflicts, individual weaknesses, or strife. People will cope differently and not always for the best. While you can set your own limits, ask for help, or be assertive, you cannot change other people’s reactions. Changing the Things We Can:rnRealistically, we only have control only over ourselves. Here are some things we can change: 1. Sense of Humor/Attitude: You can always choose to have a positive perspective in any situation. When you feel frustrated, stop and just notice what you are thinking and try to find a positive spin on it.rn2. Routines and Ways of Communicating: Placing information – like the date, a clock, the day’s agenda, daily menu, etc. - in the same place in the house can make a difference. Some people have found that putting basic information on a white board near a clock and calendar in a central location (like the phone area in the kitchen) can help the person who is frequently confused. It may help the caregiver reduce the need to repetitively answer the same questions. rn3. Focus on a Deeper Message: Sometimes, our loved one’s words do not come out well enough for us to understand at all, but you can still “read” that the person is feeling scared, for instance. Respond to the deeper message first. In this example you could respond with reassurance first “It is going to be okay, I’m here to help” – then ask for more information: “can you tell me in a different way what you are asking about?”rn4. Use More Touch: A gentle touch on the arm or shoulder communicates you care and is often relaxing for the person. There is some evidence that when a person with dementia is relaxed, he or she is more able to form appropriate words and understand more of what you are saying as well.rn5. Be Clear and Concise: Looking at the person, reducing distractions, speaking plainly and clearly, and using simple words and phrases can help with understanding.rn6. Get Help for Yourself: If you are feeling impatient or frustrated, it may be time to ask for more help from others, find more resources or services, etc. What is best for your own health is usually, in the long run, best for others too.rn7. Learn More: Seek out books, tips, and websites to learn about communicating with someone who has dementia. Wisdom to Know the Difference:rnFrustration is a good indicator that we are either having trouble accepting something or that we need to make a change in our own reactions or behavior. If you find yourself getting upset frequently, consider that you may be trying to change something that simply cannot be changed. Look for things you can change or improve - such as routines, communication techniques, and/or getting enough breaks and help.