Divorce is something that none of us planned for or imagined on our wedding day. Although for some people it may come as somewhat of a relief if the marriage had devolved into an unbearable situation, nevertheless for all of us it is a shock and a loss. At some point it is quite understandable to hold your head in your hands and think to yourself, “How on earth did this happen to me... things were not supposed to turn out this way!” The breakdown of a marriage relationship can result in an overwhelming range of negative feelings such as sadness, guilt, disappointment, loneliness, uncertainty and fear of the future.
rnGoing through a divorce(
http://www.marriage.com/advice/divorce/ ) is indeed a very difficult time, but it does not last forever and it is possible to get your life back after your divorce. If you are dealing with the aftermath of a divorce, you may find the following tips and thoughts helpful as you navigate the stormy waters of this period and reach for a place of calm where you can sail on an even keel again.
rnTake time to grieve rnIt is essential to grieve and mourn when a death has taken place. In the case of a divorce it is the death of a marriage, the death of a relationship which was once alive, and the death of dreams, hopes and expectations that you had for your future. These all constitute major losses in anyone’s life, and a time of deep mourning is completely appropriate. Allow yourself that time, even if you have to ‘be strong’ for the children and at work. Make a time when you let the tears flow – the shower or bath is a great place. The sooner you can express your feelings of grief the better, otherwise if you try to stuff them down they will reappear at a later stage with more intensity.
rnWrite a journalrnJournaling is a great way to express your feelings. As you write down exactly what you are going through, somehow you start to feel lighter. If you hear an encouraging quote or see a picture you like, print it off and stick it in your journal. Periodically as you look back over what you have written you will be able to see the progress you are making and know that you are going forward on your journey of healing and learning.
rnTake care of yourselfrnWhen the impact of the divorce first strikes it is easy to go into a state of numbness and disconnection with reality. Maybe you don’t feel like eating, you can’t sleep too well and the basic functions of normal life become too demanding and overwhelming. This is when you need to consciously make a decision to be gentle with yourself and exercise self care every day. Go and have your hair done, have a relaxing bath, listen to your favourite music, or buy yourself a new outfit. Realize that you are precious and you need to take care of yourself so that you can still be there for your children and others who may need you.
rnAllow others to help yournWhen going through a divorce it may be tempting to think “this is my mess and I need to sort it out...” In fact, we were never meant to go through crises alone, that is why we live in communities and good neighbours look out for each other. Sometimes our friends feel helpless because they want to help us but they don’t know how. I found that when I asked my friends for practical help such as transport, babysitting or packing and moving house, they were more than willing to help. I also needed to reach out for professional help from counsellors and therapists at this time which went a long way towards helping me come to terms with what had happened.
rnForgive and go forwardrnNo matter what happened before, during and after the divorce, forgiveness can be a huge step towards reaching a place of healing and getting your life back. When you hold onto an attitude of animosity, resentment, regrets and even hatred towards your ex-spouse or yourself for that matter, it holds you hostage in a state of negativity. To forgive means to let go of that heavy burden and set yourself free. It does not mean that what happened did not matter or was not devastating to you. Rather it means you have reached a place where you are ready to move on without carrying the regrets and failures of your past.
rnFigure out your financesrnFinancial concerns can be a huge part of your post-divorce trauma. The sooner you can get up to speed with money matters the sooner you will feel that you are making some progress. It might be a good idea to take an adult education course in personal finance management. If you find yourself needing to enter the work environment again after being a stay-at-home mom, perhaps this might be the time to do some extra studies and earn a certificate in your area of interest so that you can be better qualified in your future career.
rnLearn your lessonsrnA large part of getting your life back after your divorce is to learn from the experience. It takes some courage to look back and ask yourself honestly what part you may have played in the breakup of your marriage. Try to understand how your behaviour and the choices you made may have affected the relationship. Have you repeated the same mistakes over and over? What is your normal way of coping with stress and conflict? As you think through your situation objectively you may be able to see where you went wrong and where you would like to do things differently next time. The end of a relationship is a huge opportunity to grow and learn, get to know yourself better and come through the experience as a stronger and happier person.