In her search of the "perfect relationship," one Israeli woman discovered something important about herself.
Hadas met Yaniv at a party. Something about him attracted her immediately and something about her attracted him too. He called her the next day and they went out, and Yaniv turned out to be the perfect boyfriend--he filled her house with flowers and whispered words of love.
But after a month of near-perfect bliss came the first fight. It all began with a minor disagreement about a song Hadas loved that Yaniv couldn't stand, and continued with both of them ranted on and on about the things they disagreed about. Hadas was shocked that the same wonderful guy she loved could be so rude and could ridicule what's important to her.
Hadas loves classical music but to Yaniv it's too conservative and violins drive him crazy. He won't let her play her music when they are together, and the idea of going to concerts together is out of the question. Hadas can't understand how an intelligent and educated person could listen to Mediterranean music. And how can the man she loves have such terrible table manners--especially when they go out to eat!
All of a sudden, the "perfect" relationship was full of disagreements. And it kept getting worse.
Hadas was torn. On the one hand, Yaniv's amazing qualities and potential, on the other, his rejection of her interests and refusal to accept her as she is. With the arguments more frequent and the bouquets more rare, Hadas called her close friend Noam to cry about her disappointment in love and the gross injustice of life.
But if she expected him to agree with her plight she was surprised. "Hadas," said Noam carefully "I have only one question and tell me the truth. How would you really want Yaniv to treat you?" Hadas answered, "I would like him to respect my love of classical music and foreign movies. I want him stop complaining about my talking to my mother twice a day, and I want him to accept that I like to go to sleep at 10 at night. I want to be able to listen to classical music in my own home without him turning up his nose. And it would be nice if he'd come with me to the new Japanese movie or at least not drive me crazy if I go out to see it with a friend instead. I would like him to get home early enough to spend some time with me before I go to sleep. And I don't want him to be jealous about my spending time with you and other friends."
"Hadas, I understand," said Noam. Now, do you remember a booklet I gave you called
The Way to Happiness?" She said she did, but she hadn't opened it, so he had her read the chapter called "Try to Treat Others as You Would Want Them to Treat You" and she got to one section and was shocked when she read this part:
"Now there is an interesting phenomenon at work in human relations. When one person yells at another, the other has an impulse to yell back. One is treated pretty much the way he treats others: one actually sets an example of how he should be treated".
She suddenly realized that she is not as patient with Yaniv as she should be. She is critical about his "crazy" friends, she disparages his music and makes non-stop remarks about the way he dresses.
Hadas decided to treat Yaniv as she wants him to treat her. She looked back over the chapter, and read:
"Now what do you suppose would happen if one were to try to treat those around him with justness, loyalty, good sportsmanship, fai
ess, honesty, kindness, consideration, compassion, self-control, tolerance, forgiveness, benevolence, belief, respect, politeness, dignity, admiration, friendliness, love, and did it with integrity?
"It might take a while but don't you suppose that many others would then begin to try to treat one the same way?"
Hadas told Noam she now understood what she needs to do to save her relationship.
Three months later Hadas sent Noam this message: "You are a genius!!! Yesterday Yaniv asked me to marry him. I am so excited!"
Noam called Hadas to find out what happened.
"After our conversatio
I realized what I was doing wrong," said Hadas, "and I used the book to change it. I applied the suggestion at the end of that chapter and specialized in practicing the virtues it lists -- a new one every day. And by my changing the way I was acting suddenly Yaniv once again became the charming man I fell in love with. You wouldn't believe it --he even bought expensive tickets for me to take my mother to a concert!"
"I was surprised until I realized what happened. It wasn't a coincidence that he bought me these concert tickets two days after I held a big dinner for his 'disturbed' friends-- the ones I hated him to spend time with before."
The booklet worked! The way Hadas treated Yaniv changed the way he treated her and resulted in her having the consideration and respect she needed.
She told Noam that she just began using
The Way to Happiness—practicing tolerance instead of criticism, acceptance instead of scorn. Yaniv wanted to know what changed and she shared the booklet with him too. They now have a relationship of mutual consideration and respect. And a wedding on the horizon.
The Way to Happiness is a wholly secular and non-religious, common-sense moral code, written by
L. Ron Hubbard. With its 21 fundamental precepts the booklet helps people develop moral standards based on their own reasoning and understanding of why and how those standards promote a happier life. n