Remain in Love While Experiencing Different Moods

John had a disappointing day at the office -- he lost a key account. His partner Jane had a fantastic day at the office -- her boss loved her presentation. After their commutes home, John and Jane sit down to dinner. John is still feeling down about this day, whereas Jane is happy and upbeat.

When a couple is experiencing two different moods, it can be challenging. In that moment, they may feel like they have nothing in common. It can go as far as feeling angry or resentful that they have to tolerate their partner's opposite mood.

For example, John likes to stew and remain quiet when he is disappointed. Here are some of the comments John probably doesn't want to hear from Jane:

1. Don't feel bad. You still have other good accounts.

2. Forget about it for now. Let's just enjoy dinner.

3. You're with me now, so you should be happy.

4. Let's figure out how you could get the account back.

There is no doubt that Jane cares. But Jane has to decide what she believes. Does she believe that when she feels happy, John must feel happy so she doesn't feel guilty about her happiness? Or does she believe that she can remain happy and John can feel sad without either partner trying to fix or change the mood? In a healthy relationship, Jane would be comfortable with her partner having a mood opposite of hers.

Instead of trying to "fix" John, Jane could politely ask if he needs anything. She could offer a back rub, a foot massage, or another nurturing gesture.

Even though he is feeling down, John could choose to congratulate Jane. He could acknowledge that he is happy for her and that the events for this day are not in sync. He could let Jane know that he completely supports her in celebrating her day's success.

In this way, the couple keeps the love present, and yet this evening, John will stay home and maybe watch a movie or sit in a hot bath. Wanting to share her happiness with another, Jane could talk on the phone, go out to a coffee shop, or meet up with a family member or friend.

Let's face it: each of us in a relationship experiences a variety of moods. The tricky part is when one partner feels happy and the other is sad or frustrated due to disappointments.

Disappointment is processed in different ways. Some people get extremely angry or sad right away and then get over the disappointment quickly. Others need to sulk quietly for a longer period of time. Some people appear unaffected by the disappointment on the surface, but unde
eath the surface they are being affected and don't feel good. Some may have to verbalize their feelings or talk about their beliefs underlying their feelings. Others may hold beliefs that do not result in their feeling unhappy after an event that might disappoint others.

The wonderful news is that there is no right or wrong way to process disappointment. Avoid trying to make your partner process a disappointment your way. Allow your partner to process a disappointment any way that is appropriate, without harming themselves or others.

Allowing your partner to handle disappointment in their way is supportive and loving. This may mean listening attentively without offering any advice. When you do this, your partner will feel like you are on his or her team.

Being supportive may mean leaving your partner alone for a while so he/she can stew (withdraw) alone. If this is the case, do not take it personally. Do not perceive their withdrawal as rejection. They are not rejecting you, they are just taking care of themselves for a short period of time. While you may feel helpless, giving your partner space when he or she needs it is actually being very helpful and respectful. When your partner is done processing the disappointment, he or she will be appreciative of the support.

It is important for each person, no matter what the mood, to respectfully and kindly tell the other what they need. You can never go wrong by saying "I love you" before making requests such as "I would like to go for a walk by myself right now," or "I'm going out to have a cup of coffee with a friend."

Yes, a couple experiencing different moods can be challenging and yet, it's an opportunity for each partner to practice being truly loving in spite of the different moods. You can use this challenge to develop the qualities of patience and acceptance.

Go ahead, be moody and loving simultaneously!