Repent! The End is Near!

Well . . . to be honest with you, the end is near whether or not you choose to repent: the end of the year 2008, that is. We humans have a particular affinity for the ending of things: like graduations and funerals (not that there's any other similarity between the two). Yet, we mark transitions at least partly by looking backward while, at the same time, we're looking forward. That, my friends, is the nature of all change: it's a movement from something old to something new. We're transitioning from 2008 (and bidding all it held for us adieu) to 2009 with all the hope it has to offer us. Regardless of our experience with the old, we still believe in our hope for the new.

Over the last few months, I've received e-mails from a number of people — men and women — who have awakened one day to find that their spouse (in his or her mid-forties) has filed for divorce. They tell me a little about what has preceded this moment, and then comes the question: "What should I do?" As you can well imagine, there is no 'one size fits all' answer that will prove to be the 'magic bullet' that fixes everything. The road ahead is always totally dependent on the free-will choices that two individuals are going to make. Yet, as we approach the end of the calendar year, I think it wouldn't do any harm to offer some suggestions about what to do when a midlife crisis threatens to end a relationship. Here are some of the suggestions that I'd offer to anyone facing such a serious transition.

First and foremost, ask yourself what it is you need the most. When I was taking my first flying lessons, we learned, then practiced a series of maneuvers that a good pilot would use when he or she experienced an engine failure. My flight instructor, Ulf, would always have me go through the list verbally before we practiced it. The first item on the mental checklist was: "Fly the plane." It may sound obvious, but it's not! How often have you made a situation worse by trying to correct a problem without first taking care to see that everything else was going along smoothly? As a result, I would say to anyone who asks, "What should I do when my husband or wife files for divorce?" here's what you do: Fly the plane: Take care of yourself! Handle the important and urgent situations that you must give your attention to, but provide for yourself everything you need physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually, socially and economically. Don't be deceived into thinking that neglecting yourself will somehow fix the problem; it won't.

Secondly, seek information. If what's happening seems like it's a result of a man's midlife crisis, read Jed Diamond's book, The Irritable Male Syndrome. Even if you suspect that it's your wife's midlife crisis come to haunt you, Diamond's book will give you insights that apply equally well to both sexes. Check out the articles and information that I have made available over the past year. Research as though you were going for a PhD in midlife, because when you're facing your spouse's midlife crisis, you're the only one who's got to deal with the day-to-day decisions that have to be made.

Thirdly, seek help. There's no reason why you're going to need to walk through this experience alone. Share what's going on with you with the people whom you most trust in your life. If possible, seek out professional counseling. Isolation is your enemy. Keeping your own counsel reminds me of that old saying from President Abraham Lincoln, who said: “He who serves as his own counsel has a fool for a lawyer and a jackass for a client.” As we learned in physics, your being part of the system changes the system; you need someone who has a certain perspective from outside to help you maintain yours.

Finally, There are important lessons that you can learn from the people in Alanon. When your partner gets caught up in a midlife crisis — as though he or she were involved in addictive behavior — you need to remember the three 'C's: you didn't cause it, you can't control it, you can't cure it. Wisdom (in so many areas of life) lies in recognizing when we're powerless over people, places and things. You remember the serenity prayer: God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. The difference is actually very clear and simple: you cannot change anyone else; you can only change yourself. That's why Alanon (and I) recommend when dealing with others who are causing you grief: Detach with love. Otherwise, it'd be like hanging on for dear life to the railing of a sinking ship. By all means, be there for your partner who's struggling and in pain; but separate yourself enough from him or her so that, regardless of the outcome of the current crisis, you'll ultimately be OK. Remember: always do your best, but leave the outcome where it belongs, in God's hands.