Resolutions for REAL Parents

Self-improvement? That's so last year...

Every year it's the same. Wait. Not every year. Every first-day-of-the-month it's the same, every day-after-my-birthday, every day after Halloween, every Monday and, worst of all, every January 1: time to make resolutions. I will not eat sugar. I will be patient with my kids. I will not be late for work. I will exercise an hour a day. I will quit drinking Starbucks grande soy-no-water-Tazo-chai (see how that just rolled off the tongue)? Every Imaginable landmark date is the same. It’s time to make resolutions. And every day-after-landmark-date it's the same: Fail.

So I find myself asking, as 2010 makes its final descent and I espy on the horizon the hopeful rays of a new decade. Why? Why do I keep making resolutions when all I do, over and over again is colossally a fail? I’ve been trying to quit Starbucks and lose my "baby weight" since 2005, just to give you an idea.

I'm sure psychologists are brimming with explanations for those of us who are obsessive resolution makers: something about self-sabotage, perfectionism, fear of success, fear of failure, fear of change. But let's not blame ourselves. We do enough of that. Its Western culture's fault, and I'll blame skinny models too, and the people who put them on the runway, and Starbucks and whoever invented Mondays.

I have had enough of resolutions I can't keep. So I'm taking a stand. This January 1 begins the dawn of a new age the age of the attainable resolution. Are you with me?

Here are my attainable resolutions for 2011 and I think 7 is a good number. As I write these, I'll have you know that I am sipping a grande soy-no-water-Tazo-chai with great gusto.

1. I will lose weight. Digital scales are overrated. To start 2011 off right, I'm going to buy an old-fashioned scale that lets you turn the dial as far back as you want to. I'm thinking 15 pounds will do it. I will also weigh myself with my fat cat, so I can blame any apparent weight gain on him. In between weigh-ins, I will attempt to eat more vegetables and less sugar. Doable.
2. I will quit Starbucks. As with any drug addiction, quitting chailattes is my impossible dream. But I'm actually going to do it this year. Twenty-one times. Doable.
3. I will be more patient with my children. As of January 1, my new mantra will be '"They are not the boss of me." When I feel the buds of impatience blooming, I will take deep breaths if possible, as I am sitting cross-legged, with my index fingers to my thumbs and repeat my mantra. Then I will tackle them with tickles. If that doesn't work, I will eat cake. Doable.
4. I will not be late for things. Being late is one of my worst flaws and everyone's pet peeve. So something has to be done this year. Aside from waking up 20 minutes earlier in the morning (reluctantly doable), I will assign my wife her own attainable New Year’s resolution of kicking her husband out of the house on time. She will enjoy this resolution. Doable.
5. More quality me-time. As a dad of two kids, ages three and five, all I want to do at the end of the day, when they are finally tucked into bed, is collapse in front of some reality TV with my cat and a bowl of Carbs. Before I know it, it's past midnight and that novel I'm attempting to read continues to collect dust on my night table. This year I will get off the couch an hour earlier, watch MTV in bed and read ambitious novels during the commercials. My cat actually prefers the bed. Doable.
6. I will make mistakes. Doable, but there's more. I will make mistakes and I will not berate myself for making mistakes. Instead of berating myself, I will berate my puppy while giving her belly rubs and a cookie. Doable.
7. I will break boundaries. The dawn of a new decade is exciting - the perfect time to make real, sustainable changes. I will stop making unattainable resolutions. I will take risks, get crazy, fly, spin, trust, and frolic with my kids. I will take life in and savor it, finding freedom and happiness where they're actually attainable - on the inside. Doable.

By: Francis David