Saving A Marriage - Family Hurts

Saving a marriage is an excerpt from my book: “Forgetting the things of your past, to embrace your future” – a Darlene Zschech endorsed book.

Well, is saving a marriage really a difficult thing? Because of the different way men and women are made, family becomes one of the hardest things to maintain, even though it is meant to be the greatest blessing. The divorce rate is so high, even among Christians; the emotional abuses and hurts are so many, and saving a marriage looks so impossible, because marriage itself becomes more a battle field than a place of Divine strength and fulfillment.

Saving a marriage between a Christian and Non-Christian?

Saving a marriage between two Non-Christians?

Saving a marriage between two Christians?

If you search Google on these themes, you will find so many people searching for a solution. That's because there are still noble individuals and families, who, inspite of the growing Anti-marriage movements in the world today, are still seeking for saving a marriage Biblical principles, tips and techniques, so they can be examples in their own families, and so they can be a blessing to others by helping restore their marriages.

Marriage and home should be the spiritual, moral, emotional, social and physical base (together with the Church), from where we should all launch ourselves in fulfilling God’s will and purposes in our generation. Also, Home and the Church should become the spiritual training base for the next generation – our children and children’s children, etc.

Yet, marriage and home are far from being all that. Everybody thinks he/she is the right one. Everyone says: “He/She doesn’t have the right to say, do, speak, act, and treat me like this. He/She is the guilty one”. Sometimes we don’t say it, but we prove that this is the way we feel by our behavior and actions. This it terrible!

Please understand this: the verse of Scripture in Philippians 3:13 (Forgetting the things behind and stretching for the ones ahead), as applied to saving a marriage, should be paraphrased in the following manner: Forget about yourself, and look as to how you can be a blessing for your spouse! In other words – repent, forgive, forget and be committed to the welfare of the other person.

Yes, you may really be right and the other person wrong, but even if that is really the case, learn to forgive. Learn to forget. Learn to leave that behind. Learn to trust God to turn the situation around. Divorce is not an option. Quarrels are not an option. Fighting is not an option. Only slaves fight for their rights – ministers yield their rights for the sake of the ones they minister to. Communication is the key for saving a marriage.

Now, the Lord has placed in His Word a tremendous challenge in front of every family, knowing very well the structure of men and women. It’s in Ephesians 5:22-25

“Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the Saviour of the body. Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing. Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it”

Can you see it? After all, saving a marriage should not be so tough. There’s only one requirement for men, so the marriage can be a healthy one, and only one for women. That is, if we assume that one of the marriage partners is ready to start doing the right things, while the other is resistant. That of course, is not the best way, but unfortunately it’s a very common situation in marriage.

So, for men, the requirement is that they LOVE their wives as Christ loves the Church, even to the point of being ready to give their lives for them. See for instance what 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 says about love:

“Love suffereth long, and is kind; love envieth not; love vaunteth not itself, is not puffed up, Doth not behave itself unseemly, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil; Rejoiceth not in iniquity, but rejoiceth in the truth; Beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things. Love never faileth”

Isn’t that what a wife needs from her husband? So, it can very well be said that if a man fulfills that part towards his wife, loving her truly, communicating with her, wooing her, being longsuffering, kind, not jealous, not envious, not proud, not seeking his own, not thinking evil, not easily provoked, rejoicing, bearing all, believing, trusting, hoping, enduring, etc – no matter what the wife is or does, he will eventually win her and the marriage will be strong. You see, that’s the implication of these verses, because it’s making a comparison between the husband’s love for his wife, and Christ’s love for the Church. Christ loves the Church, His body. He loved you and me enough to die for us. We may have cursed Him, we may not have believed in Him, we may not have obeyed Him, but eventually, His love won us, didn’t it? Talking about saving a marriage, ha?

We are like children. If you have little children, I suppose they do many “mistakes” and silly things (as every little one does), but your love is well capable of covering all of it. So is God’s love and so should man’s love be. Well, that’s a challenge for men, because what is required from them by God is to open their hearts completely, before their wives. And that would mean crushing down of all pride, jealousy, being stiff-necked, and all the like. But the implication is that if they manage to do it – they will win their wives.

Now, ladies’ turn! What is being required by the ladies is to submit to their husbands in everything, as unto the Lord. Of course it doesn’t say submit like a robot and according to the letter of the law - it should be a submission in love and grace. It’s about submission in attitude – standing right next to their husbands in everything, and respecting the decisions they take. Not dishonoring them in their minds, but honoring them as the head of the family.

And again, the implication is: if you do that, no matter what your husband is or does, you will eventually win him and the marriage will be strong.

Now, if both husband and wife know this and are committed to be a blessing to the other, it would be perfect. There's simply no faster shortcut to saving a marriage. In most cases though, somebody has to take the first step, and that’s why I am describing the situation in such a way that somebody must become the pioneer in breaking through. The normal thought pattern of men would be: “I will love her when she honors me and shows some respect”. The normal thought pattern of women would be: “I will submit, when he shows me some love and care”. Usually, responsibility lies more with the one that knows how to change the situation, if he/she is willing to accept the challenge. To whom much is given, much will be required also. Most people don’t want to accept the challenge though, and settle for a divorce. The problem is – next marriage is absolutely the same, because most men and women are the same. They are living in the same world and the same environment is feeding and shaping their heads and minds with the same values. So, in order for some change to occur, that can be an exception from the rule, somebody must be willing to accept the challenge to transform himself/herself first, and then her/his spouse.

We may wonder why the Lord wrote these verses in Ephesians 5, and why did He put that challenge, which is actually doing what seems (it’s not, but it seems that way) contrary to our nature (both sexes), but the answer is very simple – because that’s what the opposite partner needs. Isn't that a very simple key for saving a marriage?

The woman needs all the love and affection her husband can give her, so she can feel secure in his love. The husband may find it difficult to express his love in that way, because common thinking is that men are head and not heart creatures. If he wants a healthy marriage though, he must be a pioneer and show another kind of standard – God’s one (Ephesians 5:25-29, 33; Colossians 3:19).

The husband needs the right kind of submission in love from his wife, so he could feel that she is honoring his authority as head of the house and so he can take his responsibilities peacefully (the home being a home, and not a war zone). The wives may find it difficult to do that wholeheartedly, but if they are willing to be the mighty new breed of women God is raising on the Earth today, they must rise to the challenge (Ephesians 5:22-24, 33; Colossians 3:18).

All in all, love and submission should be expressed by both parties, since the Bible says: “Owe no man any thing, but to love one another: for he that loveth another hath fulfilled the law.” (Romans 13:8) and “Submitting yourselves one to another in the fear of God.” (Ephesians 5:21). That would break the ice faster than anything else. Failure to do so is the reason for 99.9% of the divorces in our world.

And here I want to make a special and a very important note. If you are willing to take the challenge we are talking about, I want you to know that you will never be able to do it by your own strength. You will need the Lord in this – You will need to ask Him to come into your life and help you be transformed into the image He has for you. He died for your sins, but you need to ask Him to forgive you personally and to invite Him to come into your heart, into your life, and into your family, and to change you so much, that you can become a generator of change for others – a source of change for them. When they see your change, they will throw themselves at the feet of Jesus as well. The Lord Himself originated the family institution, so don't you think He knows some tips for saving a marriage?

Well, with all this said, I would like to emphasize again, that this is not the best way. This is only a way when the marriage has become a total chaos and somebody must take the first step to change things. There’s a much better way though.

I started this section on saving a marriage - family hurts with the fact that men and women are differently made. Yet, because the Lord made man and woman different on purpose, that should not be a problem at all. Exactly on the contrary – that should be the greatest blessing – the two different parts coming together and becoming ONE – supplementing each other and serving as a blessing to each other. This is a great mystery, same as with Christ and the Church (Ephesians 5:31, 32). After the fall of man though, the devil, being the one who distorts, perverts and twists what God does as a blessing, took advantage of the differences of men and women, and drew dividing lines between them, through his spirits of division, quarreling, backbiting, divorce, abuse and murder.

Therefore, the best would be for both the husband and the wife to work together for overcoming this issue of division, because it was only after the fall of man, that the differences between man and woman became a problem. So, both the husband and the wife should rise to the challenge and war together against the devil, not war separately against themselves. It’s their mutual battle against a common enemy, not their separate battles against that enemy. The Bible says that if one chases a thousand enemies, two will be able to chase ten thousand (Deuteronomy 32:30). That increases the marriage strength to the tenth power, and there's absolutely no better saving a marriage scheme.

Can you imagine how quicker we will drive the enemy out if we do it this way together, and not separately trying to change ourselves and the other person? Whew! That’s why, as we already mentioned, communication is the key. Discussing together, talking about everything, praying together, fasting together, fighting together, praising together, worshipping together, planning together, strategizing together, walking together, being together, doing things together, sharing things together, rejoicing together, weeping together, helping each other, praying for each other, caring for each other, loving each other!

The following incredible passage of scripture sums the idea of saving a marriage best:

“But now ye also put off all these; anger, wrath, malice, blasphemy, filthy communication out of your mouth. Lie not one to another, seeing that ye have put off the old man with his deeds; And have put on the new man, which is renewed in knowledge after the image of him that created him: Where there is neither Greek nor Jew, circumcision nor uncircumcision, Barbarian, Scythian, bond nor free: but Christ is all, and in all. (Note by the author: Of course, this can be applied not only to saving a marriage, but to every aspect of our life).

Put on therefore, as the elect of God, holy and beloved, bowels of mercies, kindness, humbleness of mind, meekness, longsuffering; Forbearing one another, and forgiving one another, if any man have a quarrel against any: even as Christ forgave you, so also do ye. And above all these things put on charity, which is the bond of perfectness. And let the peace of God rule in your hearts, to the which also ye are called in one body; and be ye thankful. (Note by the author: Again, saving a marriage is just a fraction of the power in these verses).

Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly in all wisdom; teaching and admonishing one another in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing with grace in your hearts to the Lord. And whatsoever ye do in word or deed, do all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God and the Father by him. Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as it is fit in the Lord. Husbands, love your wives, and be not bitter against them. Children, obey your parents in all things: for this is well pleasing unto the Lord. (Note by the author: the Lord is sooo conce
ed about saving a marriage indeed).

Fathers, provoke not your children to anger, lest they be discouraged. Servants, obey in all things your masters according to the flesh; not with eyeservice, as menpleasers; but in singleness of heart, fearing God; And whatsoever ye do, do it heartily, as to the Lord, and not unto men; Knowing that of the Lord ye shall receive the reward of the inheritance: for ye serve the Lord Christ. But he that doeth wrong shall receive for the wrong which he hath done: and there is no respect of persons.” (Note by the author: Saving a marriage also includes our kids, and not only our spouse). Colossians 3:8-25n