Self-Confidence: The Secret to Getting Your Way with Men

Self-Confidence: The Secret to Getting Your Way with Men

By Melanie Joy Vertalino

Author of “The Secret to Getting Your Way with Men” (Soon to be published by Hay House)

Why is it that some women struggle their entire lives in unhappy relationships while other women seem to just be magically lucky with men? While self-confidence may seem like an obvious answer, it’s really only the tip of the iceberg! Most women would say that they want a man who treats them like they’re special. Well, if you want a man to treat you like you’re special, then you better find a way to make sure that you really are someone special!

In itself, self-confidence is just a word, or words. But, in reality, it’s probably at least a hundred different things. And there are so many different levels of self-esteem. From my own experience as a life coach, I know that most people, women specifically, don’t have very good self-esteem. Honestly, I don’t think it’s their fault either. Sadly, we believe the things that people tell us, not knowing that the people that put us down are only doing so because of who they are, how they were raised and the things they believe about themselves. See, the words of others can only hurt us if we let them, in the words of the famous Eleanor Roosevelt. Unfortunately, when we’re young, we don’t know any better and everyone around us has some type of power or control over us. We do what we are told and believe what we are told, from parents, teachers and even friends. Researchers say that by the age of 8, 95% of our subconscious mind is formed, and that includes our beliefs about ourselves. Then we take those beliefs with us out into the real world as adults and they become a part of our daily habits. If someone has made us feel that we are less than “normal” in any way at all, this can put a huge damper on our subconscious beliefs about ourselves. And even with years of self-help work, sometimes we still can’t heal from these beliefs.

So, I say, fake it until you make it, which also happens to be a famous saying regarding the law of attraction. Women who easily get men to fall all over them have certain qualities, which I will discuss in a moment. But, before these qualities can be practiced, one has to have enough self-esteem or they will easily falter when it’s game time! Now, honestly, all my life I’ve known a lot about “The Study of Men,” but it wasn’t until recently that I discovered what you might call “The Golden Key.”

Forget about anything anyone ever said about you or to you that was negative. It wasn’t even about you! It was about them feeling bad about themselves and using you as an outlet for their own pain and frustration! What do you really think about you? I bet you have some pretty amazing qualities and you secretly think you are pretty awesome, don’t you? Now, that information may be buried deep in your subconscious, but, some part of your conscious mind knows that you rock!

I am the perfect person to write about this topic because for a huge majority of my life, I was one of those people who believed all the negative things people said. It was the smallest thing that made me realize I was not all of the things I thought I was. Just because some guy rejected me, doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with me! It just means that he is looking for a particular set of qualities in a woman that I do not embody. Learning to not take things, especially rejection, personally, is a gigantic step on the road to having amazing self-confidence. For every one man who rejects you, there’s ten more out there who would love to propose to you! We all take things so personally. Think about this, what do you think about 90% of your day? You think about yourself, what you need to do, about your family, about your work. You aren’t spending your time thinking about other people or their faults. Most people are thinking about themselves, as they should be. They aren’t thinking about your or any of the things that YOU think are wrong with you.

The saddest thing in the world to me is that most people think far less of themselves than the people around them do! Like they say, we are all our own biggest critics. We need to stop that. Please stop beating yourself up. Learn self-acceptance. Acceptance is the first step to self-confidence. Accept who you are right now, no matter what. Whether you think you are too fat, too thin, too short, too tall, too dumb, too smart, it doesn’t matter. Does thinking this way get you anywhere good? Does it make you feel good? Does it benefit you in any way? NO! So, please, just stop it. Additionally, when you do learn to accept yourself, exactly as you are, you will find the things that once bothered you will either not bother you anymore, or will go away, such as extra weight. Create a technique for each time you find yourself judging yourself, beating yourself up mentally, or putting yourself down.

When you find discover your self-confidence, the whole world opens up for you. Not just with men, but with everyone and everything! People will start treating you differently, as people are all mirrors. Others will treat us based on the way we treat ourselves. We teach people how to treat us, with our words, our actions, our thoughts, even with our energy! I like making everything an experiment in life. I notice each time I change the way I act or react to certain people or situations, I notice how they change. I’ve been on this path of self-growth for many years now, with the most growth happening in the past 8 years. After my mother passed away, I had to learn to make my own decisions. And in 2009, I found an amazing life coach, named Heather Picken. I definitely attribute much of my self-growth to her.

If you are stuck right now in any situation, I highly recommend you seek a life coach. I am a certified law of attraction life coach through Christy Whitman’s QSCA. She has this wonderful program where new students will coach you free of charge! So, if you need help with how you feel about yourself, I highly recommend you go to her web site and contact someone.

Okay, let’s get back to the topic of self-confidence and men. Most women see men as these foreign creatures or species that we can’t quite figure out. In reality, they’re not much different than us, just different in how they go about things. Believe it or not, but most men want the same things we do, the marriage, children, growing old together. In the last fifty years or so, relationships between men and women have changed significantly, with women working now and having more control over their own lives.

Women use to know their power. They were feminine and accepted it. They knew and expected men to chase and pursue them and so, articles and books like this wouldn’t even be necessary back then. These days, women are feeling worse and worse about themselves, worse than ever. Instead of looking to themselves for self-love and making their own lives adventurous, they seek out a man to fill that space inside of them. Women trade their power for the hope of being loved. And many will do it through any means, accepting relationships that are purely sexual, wanting to be exclusive with a man after just one date. Women today are so desperate to be loved and fill this void inside of them. This void is where their self-esteem should be.

Women should always be the choosers, not the “choosee. “ Men don’t do the choosing, women do. Ultimately, in the end, yes, the man will be the one to propose, but if you hadn’t already chosen him in your mind, he would’ve never gotten that far. These days, women will stay with or live with men for years with no hope in sight for a real future together. I have heard it thousands of times!

It’s all about laying the proper groundwork. The groundwork in relationships is the absolute most important thing because it determines how a man will feel about you for years to come! You teach him how to treat you by the behaviors you accept and don’t accept. And you never, ever, ever, chase a man! I don’t care if he is the best thing since sliced bread. Nothing will make a man run faster than chasing him. I’ve read some new authors discussing how you can get men without playing games. Please tread carefully with those.

Would you believe that you can create a relationship where a man worships and adores you from the start? You can. It begins with what we already discussed, acceptance and self-confidence. One you are good with both of those things, you are ready for the next part. And, if you aren’t completely self-confident, or are faking it, you won’t get through this next part in one piece. It has to be true and genuine self-confidence.

Once you have a man where you want him, and he has been texting (calling, emailing) you for some time and it seems pretty clear that he is interested, and he may have even asked you out already, then you have everything in place. Don’t jump at his first request and don’t be easy. Never respond quickly to texts, never talk long on the phone. Always leaving him wanting more and never ever tell him everything.

And now for the key, the secret key that you have been waiting for. The secret key is this; men are drawn to a certain type of woman. I can’t tell you why. I can only guess because these women are so rare and men love the hunt. Men want a woman who is unpredictable, sassy, and mildly sarcastic, with a great sense of humor! There is more to it than that, but that’s the general idea. You will have to get my book for the full details, but that is the secret. Men like to be shocked by your behavior. When you can say something, without being afraid of what he might say, that’s when you know you are doing it right. And even if you are a little afraid of his response, you’re still on the right path. You want to shock and surprise him, in a fun and playful way of course.

I will give you a perfect example of something I did recently. Almost 100% of my dating scenarios and situations are experimental for my research. I was on a dating web site and looking at my messages. I found one man in particular really attractive, so, I responded to his email. It was a Friday night, maybe about 8 PM or so. I had told him how I went out to dinner and couldn’t wait to get home, which was mostly because the Season was just changing and it was cold and windy out. I longed for the comfort of my own bed! I said to him, “Remember back when we were younger and just had to go out on a Friday night?” lol. I went onto to discuss how in the past, I have had some wild friends and boyfriends, who always made me, feel alive, going on crazy adventures. I went onto talk about being adventurous and really living. I was in a really playful mood that night and had just come from a dinner where I had a lot of revelations in my head about relationships. I don’t take any guy very seriously from the start and I always assume they already do, or will like me. That’s another key. Most women worry about whether the guy will like them. I don’t, I just expect them to like me, and most times, they do. You should do the same! So, he asked me what I liked to do for fun and this was my response to him:
“I will try just about anything once, if chances are more positive than negative that it won’t kill me. Lol I like to go with the flow ya know? But, I say no and stand my ground when necessary. My guy friends are always telling me “I’m a cool girl and they know I must have a lot of guy friends because I am such a cool girl. You must think I am nuts, but nothing could be further from the truth. I guess I am just entertaining myself at your expense. Do you mind?”

You know what he came back with?
He said “You’re fun. I want to meet you.”

Now, this is just one example. And trust me, it’s a skill and it takes a lot of practice too. The best way to practice is online on a dating site. BUT, one thing I cannot stress enough, is about it being real. There is no such thing as fake or false self-confidence because real feelings always shine through. I actually have a chapter in my book titled with those exact words.

And for you ladies already in a relationship or married, this stuff can work for you too. All people and relationships are constantly evolving, growing and changing. The only constant in life is change. If you want to keep your man interested, in love with you, and to continue to worship you forever, then you need to apply these concepts too. Become unpredictable. Christian Carter uses a perfect example in his book, “Catch Him and Keep Him,” (which I highly suggest you read immediately!). He says to make plans with your boyfriend or husband, but, don’t tell them where you’re going. Keep it a surprise. And once he is in the car, still don’t tell him. Then drive him somewhere of importance to you, like the home you grew up in or a historical site or a place of interest to you. It doesn’t matter where you go, it only matters that you have shown your man that you are unpredictable. I have more examples of this in my book that you can read about.

Also, in the beginning stages of dating or a relationship, it is CRUCIAL to not have sex with a man, if you are truly interested in him. Men don’t bond as quickly as we do and they need more time to get to know you. You might be thinking, “Well, what if he stops seeing me then?” Well, honey, I am sorry to say it, but he would’ve dropped you after any ways. If a man enjoys your company, he doesn’t mind waiting for it. And he will wait much longer than you think he will too, if he likes you at all. Be confident in yourself. Oh, and please throw that 3 date rule in the trash! How well do you really know a person after spending 3 days with them? I’m sorry, 3 dates? Let’s say a typical date might last 5-6 hours for maybe dinner and a movie. So, after 15-18 hours of spending time with someone, you are willing to share your body with them? I’m not! And you shouldn’t be either. I mean, unless that’s all you want? I mean, we all have our own agenda.

There’s SO many books out there today with so much information. It must be so confusing for women these days to know which advice to take and which advice not to take. You know the best way to find out? Practice. And then, practice some more! Rori Raye talks about a concept called “Circular Dating” and when I discuss this with my friends, they look disgusted. It just means that you date 3 men at a time. Notice I did not say “have sex with 3 men at a time.” Personally, I’d rather not have sex with any of them because for me, that heightens my emotions and strengthens my feelings or bond to that person. But, if you want to have sex with one, that’s okay. Now remember, this is just my advice, or Rori’s advice. You do what you want to do. The whole reason that this type of dating works is because you’re not focused on any one man! Many men think that when they are with you that you aren’t seeing anyone else and that you are instantly looking for an exclusive relationship with them. Well, if you are dating other men, they won’t think that way. In fact, they will soon discover that you aren’t like other women and they YOU are the one choosing THEM or not. This is a part of what makes you special. And when 1 guy becomes a dud, find another. And you aren’t limited to 3 men. I don’t know how much free time you have, but, I say, the more the merrier. This technique or “way of life” as I like to call it, has so many advantages. Instead of wondering why one guy didn’t call when he said he would, you will be off on a date with another guy! Men can sense your energy and vibes and they just know when you are really into them or not. I Know that’s a scary concept, but if you work on it, you will be fine, especially is you do circular dating.

The “rules of dating” are continuously changing. But, one thing that never changes no matter what anyone says is that women should always be the choosers. Some women talk about how they hate playing games. Well, if you are super busy, have a ton of friends, a ton of interests and not much free time, you won’t have to play any games at all because you really will be too busy to sit by the phone. This is the type of woman that all men want, one that has a life of her own and doesn’t need him. Unfortunately, most women don’t have that type of situation and will only date one man and will wait by the phone. I have a friend who suffers from low self-esteem. She was recently seeing a man who would come over her house, eat dinner she cooked, watch a movie with her and maybe fool around. This went on for about a month. She would text him each day with “Good morning, have a great day” and he would almost never respond. Also, he never took her on a real date! I didn’t have the heart to tell her what the situation really was, so, I had to let it play out. I tried teling her in nice ways, but most times women just won’t listen. She called me one day, beside herself, insisting that she had to invite him over to have “THE TALK.” Men hate “the talk.” I even hate the talk. I begged her not to, but of course, she did any ways. She was standing in her doorway on the telephone as she saw him come driving down her street. He passed right by her house!! She was devastated! A couple days later they did have the talk and he told her they were just “hanging out” which is what guys say when they aren’t interested in you for anything long-term.

Most people need to learn things the hard way. I try to help my friends all the time. But, I guess sometimes emotions just take over and win. But, I truly think that only happens when you don’t have the self-confidence that you need in order to be in control of both your emotions and of yourself. With men, less is always more. Text less, talk less, call less, give less. It may sound backwards, but it works. Men want to provide for us, take care of us and feel appreciated by us. They can’t do that if we are constantly throwing ourselves at them, texting them every free minute and trying to monopolize their time. It’s okay to eventually let a man know you WANT to be with him, but never allow him to think you NEED to be with him.

There’s another aspect to this picture too, which is actually going a little off topic, but I must address is. Men also like when a woman can be vulnerable. Now, I don’t mean dramatic, or crying or rehashing their past traumas. I mean, when a woman can be relaxed in her own skin, say what she means and mean what she says. Being vulnerable is about relinquishing control and being comfortable with doing so. Men love a woman who can be a no-nonsense smart ass with a secret soft side. These are the kind of women that men want to marry!

Even more important than self-confidence, is your beliefs. Your beliefs predict just about your entire life. You operate based on subconscious beliefs or programming that has been running in the background for years, which shows up mainly as your daily habits. Do you believe that all the good men are taken? Do you believe that you will be alone forever? Do you feel unlovable? Whatever your beliefs are, regarding men, dating, yourself and relationships, they will become your reality. If you don’t believe me, take a look around. Talk to some of your single friends and ask them their theories on dating and the men available around where you live. Then ask a married friend what she was thinking when she met her husband. I know my own beliefs have changed so many times over the years and with them, the quality of men I meet! Your beliefs will always become your reality. So, sit down and write down your current beliefs and compare them to your recent experiences. Then work on changing your beliefs.

Lastly, I will quickly talk to you about what makes men want to get married and settle down. Obviously, as we all know, men don’t think like we do. But, then again, men don’t have their moms throwing dollies into their cribs at age zero, making them want to have a child from the time they are a child. There is only 1 major big reason a man will ask you to marry him. It’s because he doesn’t want to lose you! Now, I am not saying that he isn’t already madly in love with you. But, if you live together and do all the things married people do already, what real motivation does he have to propose? People usually do things to get certain things. And if he is already getting everything he wants, why bother? You know what they say about “why buy the cow when the milk is free?” It’s true. And as old-fashioned and outdated as I may sound, this is why I do not believe in living with a man before you are married, that is, if you do want to marry him. If you don’t want to marry him, by all means, go ahead. But, if you want a lifelong commitment from a man, you can’t be giving him everything now, that he would be getting if you two were married!! I know not many other professionals agree with me here, but if you noticed, fifty years ago women weren’t asking how to get their boyfriends to propose, because they weren’

I know it all sounds extremely daunting and you may even want to throw your hands up in the air and just say “screw it!” But, I can assure you that if you ARE or can become a woman who has a very full life without a man, and you can learn to first work on accepting who you are right now (regardless of what you think you need to improve on), then proceed to work on your self-confidence (which is also about relinquishing your fears & not caring what anyone thinks), you will have no problem getting hoards of men chasing you all around town! Your past doesn’t matter. Forget your past, unless you want to live there. The past is gone. The present is all that matters. You can change your dating patterns and the type of men you have been attracting, but first, you need to change yourself. And that begins with loving yourself. And I don’t mean that in an abstract way, but in an active way. Really loving yourself is an active thing and is easily seen by others. Just look around you and you will see what I mean. I once chatted with a guy via text from a dating site for a year, met him once for 2 hours and a week later he asked me to marry him. He offered to buy me a huge rock, fly me to Hawaii to make a baby and do all my work for me while I was pregnant.

If I can get there, so can you!