Self Differentiation Is Good For Your Family Too

Self Differentiation Is Good For Your Family Too When the student is ready, the teacher appears! Would you agree that this is so very true? I certainly hope so. When I first learned of this proverb it crystallized as fascinating, intuitive and perfectly good sense to me. We’ve all heard it at some time or another; nevertheless, these words are to be spoken to the wise. They are meant for you to take the time to deeply reflect and learn how this is true for you, on behalf of your highest,necessary path for transformational growth. I use the translation from this metaphor as a direct application so that each of us may view ourselves in a heightened awareness and new light within our own family system. It is the family itself that portrays the role of “teacher” and it is each of us who takes on the role of student from the very beginning and oftentimes throughout our lives. We all know that families have their own particular characteristics, expectations and patterns, as well as covert themes that brand them as both unique yet at the same time as ordinary and familiar. We laugh when we can all relate to some very similar relationship issues as there is only so much dysfunction to go around. We all have our set of so called “expectations”, both subtle and explicit dynamics, and family jokes that are inherently at play. Keep in mind that each family member has their own personal level of differentiation, which is akin to a skill set that can actually be learned. What makes this so interesting is that when members shift along the scale of differentiation, in either direction, it impacts the communication dynamics and tone of their relationships. We can all relate to a status quo knowing, which is the equilibrium that becomes so engrained, that it easily goes unnoticed. Often individuals get used to that status quo and from that they then “type” other family members as “just being” a certain way. When the particular individual deviates by responding differently it then upsets the status quo and ripple effects are felt throughout the entire family. The family is more than what meets the eyes, in the here and the now. The family is inter-generational and stems back so many decades where original beliefs may have been passed down and are now being relived in the current generation unknowingly. By recognizing this important point to be made, then each one of us can improve and strengthen our ability to differentiate in order to become more self empowered within and apart from our family of origin. A clear sense of who you are is your prized individuality. It is the core of you, the you that you were always born to be. It reflects your self stability, your values and how you embody them by your inner conviction, behavior and quality of life. At times, it may seem challenging to assert an autonomous way of being in the midst of an emotionally interdependent system that functions primarily by unwritten rules. We all learn these rules so very early on so they never need to be verbalized; however, we do know what they are. The most basic principle of differentiation is that you maintain your true self, that you do not lose your this self by compromising too much of yourself. There are many teaching moments to be had when learning the skill of differentiation because we will all be tested, like it or not. Whenever you feel that your “buttons” are pushed or you feel that you are being triggered by something or someone it is time to practice your skill. The emotional field of the family has more than just direct, immediate influences on you. It has so many indirect impacts that you may not even be fully aware of them since you are not an objective observer as part of your family, no matter how differentiated you may be. Granted, it is expected to be difficult to maintain a consistent neutrality since our feelings are natural responses, but it is your choice in how you respond. Becoming aware of this emotional regulation is an exercise in mindfulness that can set the stage for higher functioning amongst all the family members. When you take responsibility for your own feelings and stop blaming others for them you benefit in the long run. You are gaining a mastery over the level of process which is where the real change occurs. When we can remind ourselves that intense reactivity is oftentimes a learned response, then we can also unlearn or modify our tendencies. The synergistic beauty of this far reaching phenomenon is that as one person makes progress towards differentiation, the effects are felt by everyone. New adjustments, deeper honesty and a new equilibrium become established. This recalibration is beneficial for all the members and also for future generations to come. Wouldn’t you agree? (The content of this article is based on Bowen Family Systems Theory)