Self-Love: Can Someone Love Themselves Conditionally If They Experienced Early Deprivation?

If someone was to take a step back and reflect on their life, what they may find is that they are often hard on themselves. They are then only going to be kind and loving to themselves from time to time.

What this is likely to show is that they only feel comfortable being nurturing towards themselves when they meet certain conditions. Therefore, if these conditions are not met, they have to treat themselves badly.

Unclear

However, at this point, they might not be aware of what it is that they need to do to be worthy of their own and others love. It could seem as though they are randomly unkind to themselves.

If they were to think deeply about when they are kind to themselves, they could soon notice a pattern. What could soon stand out is that this is something that takes place when they work hard and/or get everything right.

One Big Struggle

If they don’t work hard and/or make a mistake, they are likely to be hard on themselves. Naturally, along with depriving themselves of the love that they deserve, being this way is going to make it hard for them to relax, learn new things and focus on other areas of their life.

They might see that they spend a lot of time working and doing just about everything that they can to not make mistakes or to get anything wrong. This is going to cause them to experience a lot of pressure and they could often be exhausted.

The Other Side

If they were to relax, a very critical inner voice could appear and tell them all about what they should be doing. If they make a mistake, the same thing could take place and they could feel totally worthless.

And, if they were to have fun, see a friend or go on holiday, for instance, they could experience the need to be working hard. How they experience life wouldn’t be much of an issue if they were a robot, but, as they are a human being, it will cause them to live a miserable existence.

The Truth

Ultimately, they deserve to be loving to themselves even if they are not working or make a mistake. This is not something that they need to earn by jumping through certain hoops.

If they were to think about how long they have been this way, they could find that they have more or less always been this way. It might then seem as if they were born this way and there is very little that they can do about it.

What’s going on?

The reason that they experience life in this way could be due to what took place during their formative years. This may have been a time when they were shown conditional love by one or both of their parents.

Or to be more accurate, when they did certain things and did them in a certain way, they might have generally been accepted and approved of. This would have sent them the message that they would only be accepted and approved of if they behaved in a certain way.

The Same Story

At this stage of their life, they needed to be accepted for who they were and shown love no matter what they did or didn’t do. Most likely, one or both of their parents were unable to love them.

They might have also been brought up by one or two parents who couldn’t love them. Thus, as they were deprived as a child and didn’t resolve any of their wounds, for whatever reason, they ended up depriving their child.

Taken To Heart

But, although one or both of their parents didn’t provide them with the love that they needed as a result of being unable to love, as they were egocentric, they would have personalised what took place. Accepting that their parent or parents couldn’t love them would have been too much for them to handle.

By blocking out reality and doing what their parent or parents wanted, they would have believed that they would finally be loved. This would have set them up to become a human doing as opposed to a human being.

Another Element

Moreover, how they were treated would have ended up being internalised. Considering this, their parent or parents would have been conditional, and now, they will be conditional with themselves.

They might also have people in their life who are very similar to what their parent or parents were like. How they feel around these people will then be how they felt around their parents.

Moving Forward

Thanks to what they went through as a child, they are likely to be carrying a lot of pain and unmet developmental needs. Working through this pain and experiencing these needs is likely to be a key part of what will allow them to change their inner world.

Awareness

If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for exte
al support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.