Self-Observation, Acceptance of What You Notice and Motivation to Change Place You on the Road to a Successful Intimate Relationship

It is safe to assume that no one has ever taught you the importance of SELF-OBSERVATION: how to look inwards, contemplate your thoughts, feelings, reactions and behaviors. Observation will help you pay attention to your reactions and behaviors with your partners and become aware of the ways in which you sabotage your relationships.

IN WHICH SITUATIONS CAN YOU OBSERVE YOURSELF?

You can observe yourself in a specific situation with your partner or reconstruct situations from your past. If you are currently single, you can take the time to look-back over past relationships and observe the interactions you had with your partner(s).

WHAT DO YOU NEED TO OBSERVE?

In order to fully understand the way in which you interact with your partner(s), and become aware of the factors affecting your behavior and driving you to sabotage your relationships, you need to pay attention to your:

* Thoughts;
* Feelings;
* Fears;
* Needs;
* Attitudes
* Expectations and fantasies;
* Reactions and behaviors.

Example: CLAIRE’S OBSERVATION

After a series of failed relationships Claire is going out with Ed. She is afraid that he will eventually leave her as so many before him. How could it be – she wonders, frustrated – she’s always been so accommodating, actually sacrificing herself in her relationships, so why is she being left time and again? Actually – she wonders – why does she sacrifice herself to begin with?

Claire decides that in order to understand why she always sacrifices herself in her relationships, she needs to observe herself, something she’s never done before. In the past she always used to pay attention to her partners and see if they need something from her!

As she observes herself she notices that whenever she wants to behave more in tune with what she really wants, her FEAR OF ABANDONMENT surfaces; that whenever Ed objects, on one pretext or another, to everything she proposes, she immediately succumbs, tries to please him; to make sure he is not angry at her.

Paying close attention to her interactions with Ed, to her feelings and fears, Claire can now identify the fears which trigger her automatic agreement: fear of abandonment; fear of not being loved; fear of being alone. These fears are so powerful, that they drove her to sacrifice herself over and over again – to the point that the men she went out with tended to abuse or disrespect her, and to eventually leave.

Claire commits herself to understanding where her fears originate from and take the necessary steps required to free herself from their grip. Only then – she knows – she will be able to cultivate and stay in a healthy and satisfying relationship.

TAKING THE TIME TO OBSERVE YOURSELF EMPOWERS YOU

When you, like Claire, take the time to observe yourself and pay attention to your thoughts, feelings, fears, needs, attitudes, expectations and fantasies, reactions and behaviors, you become able you to notice how these might control you and harm your relationships. You can then notice whether you tend to react and behave AUTOMATICALLY, instead of making CONSCIOUS DECISIONS about your behaviors.

If you accept what you see you become able to choose new ways of thinking, reacting and behaving, you will become empowered to cultivate a successful intimate relationship.

GIVE OBSERVATION A CHANCE. IT IS VITAL FOR YOUR RELATIONSHIPS!