Self Sabotage Anyone?

rnWhen was the last time you got in your own way? This morning, my sweetheart John decided to rub my body with sugar scrub to pamper me and take care of me; he didn't want to tell me what he was planning and I got frustrated when he refused to tell what his intentions were. Well, I did not allow him to do so as I decided that I wanted to take a shower and would not do what he wanted me to do unless he explains to me what his intentions were... hum, that did not turn out well, not only did I piss him off and hurt him but I didn't get pampered. I had an epiphany after he left me alone for while and asked myself why I was acting that way. Negative programming or past experiences coming up to the surface subconsciously of course, yes I do suffer from POST MANIFESTATIONAL AWARENESS! I am a control freak and I always feel the need to be in control of situations or to lead ( I am a great leader (light) when I am not a bitch (shadow) ). I am not a good follower and I feel useless and weak when I am not the one in control, I have been better the last few months but I am realizing that before that I got very irritated by people who were trying to lead me because I am a warrior and I am supposed to lead. Well, that is full of crap! John, my sweetheart is a man and he also wants to lead sometimes, I do not allow him to do so often because of my strong personality and stubbornness. He is a very patient man but I tend not to allow him to care of me or love me the way he wants to because I am too scared. Yes, fear is also a factor, when I was a child I was sexually abused by 6 different men and since then I created a strong woman with a strong personality in my mind who does not ALLOW men to control her or lead her because she is afraid that they will take advantage of her and she does not trust them. When she was child, she could not defend herself but now that she is an adult, she can fight them and protect herself better than she could in the past. So every time someone comes to me with something that my mind perceives as potentially harmful, I push them away and do not allow them to do anything for me. Isn't this insane? This is self sabotage when you think about it, my subconscious mind is running a program that is preventing me from truly receiving, it is creating problems in my relationships, and the people who cannot fight with me just surrender to me, I didn't realize that they gave up on me, I just thought that I won another battle and that made me happy... What are you currently doing in your life to sabotage yourself? Have you ever thought about it? Are you blocking yourself from RECEIVING and allow things to Flow to you?... Key point right there, if you want to create more money, how are you blocking the flow of money, abundance and prosperity because of your RESISTANCE? I am willing to surrender and create a new experience, what about you? Take the time to answer these questions and make a conscious to create a different reality.