Should You Try to Salvage The Marriage After an Affair?

“Fix it, fix it. Fix it” These were Patricia’s words to her friends after Gavin’s death when they could not come to a truce in their marriage in the movie “Why did I get married too?” So you have finally said the “I dos.” It was a beautiful ceremony, and you both are all smiles. I married my best friend. She/he understands me, he/she completes me, and she/he is the missing link/rib or whatever expression is being used today. The euphoria of getting married is beyond explanation, at least from the beginning but as you journey together or alone, you are tempted to ask, was it worth it. The journey of a thousand mile begins with a step, just one step. It never promised what kind of step you are to take or if the journey was going to be easy, smooth or fun. It just said how it begins. That is how a marriage is; we start with a basket of positive expectations and a blueprint of how it will all play out, the main character, the villains, and some comic relief at some point. Does it normally play out that way, when things go wrong? rnHow do you handle an affair in a marriage? It is worth fixing, why bother. I still have my life to live, I love him/her, why would he/she, and I just hate her/him for what he/she did. When you start to ask all these questions, remember to ask one very important one. Why did you get married? Why did you get married? Do you still remember those reasons or were you infatuated by facts that did not matter in a relationship or were you carried in the whirlpool of love and romance? Did you trade sense for sensual? An affair is usually the straw that breaks the camel’s back or is it? It is disgraceful, annoying, and eats you up emotionally. Doubt and mistrust creep in; amnesia and bickering become the order of the day. You have a million questions to ask that don’t get the right answers and you start to think, was it worth it. Why should I salvage my marriage or should I? The pros and cons on if you should or shouldn’t salvage your marriage become intermixed and confusing and tells heavily on the emotional state of the couple. There are lots of hiccups in marriages, how we decide to handle the mess is what makes or mars the marriage.

Emotional pains

The pains caused by an affair in a marriage are intense; they are pains of anger, disbelief, guilt, fear, shame, mistrust, and heartbreak. Although painful, an affair need not be the end of your marriage. The decision to leave is normally the first thing that comes to mind but you have to implore the three Ps, Patience, Perseverance and Persistence. This will give you a better perspective of your marriage. With the three Ps, you can work through an affair to rediscover and redefine your love and marriage. The emotional health is of utmost importance after the wake of an affair. Depending on which partner was cheated on, the break down can be really detrimental, and in some cases, victims have contemplated suicide or inflicting bodily harm on themselves. Depression and mental failure are also part of the issues that need to be taken into consideration after an affair. Even though the very core of your marriage is shaken by an affair, you can always work through the storm to be a better you. Some ways to best handle an affair are:

Acknowledgment

Don’t try to explain why or why not, don’t bother blaming yourself either. Acknowledge your fault and try to give your partner space and time to also come to terms with the situation at hand. Be patient enough to explain and listen to each other. This is the first step to deciphering the depth of the issue.rnSay what you mean. Don’t apologize because that is best at the time. Don’t repeatedly say “I love you” to shove the affair under the carpet, and don’t use your partner’s weakness against them. This will be just breaking to pieces an already broken piece. Be honest and try to redefine a path that should be followed to amend the issues brought forth by the affair.

Don’t rush it

Give yourself time to grieve even if you can explain or understand it. Don’t bother asking questions or seeking answers in unknown avenues. Don’t dwell on the reasons either or you might get stuck and find it difficult to move on in your marriage and life.

Talk to somebody

The shame of infidelity can sometimes make you bottle up your emotions and want to handle it yourself. This is a very wrong move to take in the wake of an affair, after all, a problem shared is half solved. Talk to you parents, a neutral friend, go for counseling or speak to a clergy. Avoid being defensive or offensive and listen to every advice but use your intuition to forge ahead.

Change environment

This might sound crazy but often time separation might be the key to salvaging your marriage after an affair. The separation gives you a reset of your life, marriage, and spouse. It gives you time to think, appreciate, forgive both yourself and your spouse.

Speak to your spouse

This is the final step, speaking to your spouse. This is rnhard as the hurt is still there, but your better half is the only one that can provide the answer to all the questions that bother your mind. We implore you listen and don’t try to be provoked or provoke your spouse.

The pros and cons in the aftermath of an affair

The reasons for an affair are:

• Sexual gratification/exploitation An affair allows you to sexually explore other grounds. We can’t deny it; most affairs are sexual. It makes you feel good about yourself just knowing you are still “capable” of making somebody feel good.
• Peace This is usually true if your other half nags a lot. An affair is a peaceful space that makes you function better as a person.
• Libido booster Having an affair boosts your libido. Being married can restrict you from enjoying your sex life and trying out new styles. With an affair, you get to live out your sexual fantasy.

An affair is bad, we all agree, but after the affair; it is a period to look within ourselves to understand the why and how it happened. The bustling of our daily lives affects our marriages in more ways than one. Sometimes, we neglect our matrimonial duties and overlook menial issues until they become compounded. The only advantage of infidelity, not saying it is right, is the fact that we finally sit and reevaluate what we did not do right and fix it, and appreciate our spouse and marriage.

The cons

The cons of an affair are too plenty to mention, from anger and revenge to hatred and divorce, an affair is not usually dealt well within a marriage.

• The Guilt This is the aftermath reaction of having an affair. The guilt of hurting your spouse builds up and cause unexpected responses that we don’t expect or can handle. The fear of being caught is enough for you to not have an affair. Aside from being caught, you will be putting your family and kids especially in undue stress with an affair.
• The emotional attachment Aside from physical attraction and bonding, affairs can be emotional too. The time spent with the individual committing an illicit act can create a bond that will be hard to detach from thereby ruining your family and marriage.

These might be hard but an affair no matter which side we observe it from is just another stumbling block in our marriage that we can work on to be better with each other.

Conclusion

To conclude, ponder on this quote from the famous thinker, Bhagavad Gita. “An intelligent person does not take part in the source of misery, which is due to contact with material sense. Such pleasures name a beginning and an end, and so the wise man does not involve in them.” The above quote says it all, why indulge in an affair that will end in misery anyways and make you lose what matters most to the wants of the moment. Marriage is about loving, and loving the one, you married. So stay away from lust and anything that leads you into temptation. It might be hard understanding the affair, but marriage is not a bed of roses but a playing field where teamwork succeeds.