Simple Steps To Understanding Giving

Do you sometimes find you spend more time trying to “get your child to do something” than appreciating who they are? Are you afraid that if you really allow your children to offer their opinion in how your household is run, they will take over? Are you concerned that in this world of “takers” your child will not know how to give? Below we share information that will help you give your talents, skills and abilities freely and allow you to receive your child’s also, while maintaining a happy, healthy living environment for all!nnIn our book, Respectful Parents, Respectful Kids, we devote a chapter to the concept of Giving. We point out that while running our household we often forget that our children have a surprisingly delightful ability and desire to share with their parents. In sharing, children can give much to the peace and happiness of the household in general.nnOur belief is that a happy, healthy lifestyle is when everyone can share, instead of parents controlling the situation by dictating when and how certain things will happen in the flow of family life.nnBy recognizing the gifts your children have to give and by developing the skills to graciously receive them, you meet deep needs for contribution for you and your children that affect the core of self-worth for each of you.nnHere are two key concepts to remember when deciding how to design a home life that honors everyone’s need to share their talents and still have peace and order:nn1. Giving is a Basic Human NeednnWe write in our book, Respectful Parents, Respectful Kids that n“a primary parental role is to inspire giving—to help young people understand what they have to share and how they can share it in a way that it can be received.”nnIn a parent-run household it is often thought that handing kids a list of chores to do and telling them when they need to be completed is giving kids a chance to fulfill their need for contribution. This style often leads to parents reinforcing their wishes by using threats, punishment or rewards.nnSuch tactics do not inspire giving in the child nor allow parents to appreciate the wonderful capacity of children to give.nInstead all the parent sees is an unresponsive child that drags his/her feet when asked to do something. nnThere are two truths here to keep in mind: giving comes naturally to human beings when it isn’t forced and giving is actually the source of the greatest joy possible.nnThink of a time as a parent when you gave to your family, not expecting anything in return. A classic example is the parent that is willing to get up in the middle of the night to comfort a child frightened by a dream. Parents do this all the time. Actually the act of becoming a parent is one of being willing to offer ones self to the care and upbringing of another human being.nnYour child has that fundamental need also. The child that picks a flower on the way home from school and runs to give it to their mother is showing an ability to give without the thought of receiving in return.nn2. You and Your Children have Many Gifts to GivennEveryone is born with a host of talents and skills. Early on we can identify which of our children is athletically inclined, or has talent for drawing or painting. But even putting personal skills aside all human beings have the capacity to give time, energy, the ability to listen and the ability to laugh. nnIf this is true, then why is it that many parents complain about how little their children do around the house? Some reasons for the disconnect between your child’s natural need to contribute and actually offering to help out around the house are: nnMany children don’t think they have anything to give. nHaving a conversation about the ways your child thinks they can help out, sparks an understanding that their uniqueness is valued. Asking their opinion on how that “list of chores” necessary to the flow of the household can be accomplished with all enjoying their role, shows them you trust their thoughts and feelings and helps build their self-worth. nnWhen a person feels secure and sure that they matter, their ability and desire to give grows.nnnParents often fail to recognize that contributions need to be made willingly.n nWho really wants to be told what to do? Isn’t it more fun and more rewarding to want to do something? Exploring the idea that things can be done willingly if everyone’s ideas are considered can be the turn-around that many households need to get that list of chores done.nnInstead of doing chores for the reward of an allowance, or under threat of punishment, your child can increase their need to contribute while growing the ability to come up with different ideas and strategies to accomplish the tasks required. Parents often focus on the negative and don’t take time to acknowledge the positive contributions their children make.nnIn our rushed world where we try to accomplish so much in so little time, it is easy to focus our attention on what hasn’t been done rather than on what has been done. It happens many times every day. What hasn’t been done is brought up much more often and much quicker than what has been accomplished. We’re guessing you experience this work environment too.nnAre you motivated to complete a project faster when your boss points out only the pile of work on your desk that isn’t finished instead of the many piles that are finished? Your child is the same way. Starting out with simple acknowledgment and appreciation for what your child has accomplished contributes to their self-worth and moves them to want to do more. Many parents are fixed on their own agenda of what, when, and how kids should contribute. nnIf you were raised in a household where what parents wanted and when they wanted it was law, it could be tough to move away from your personal agenda as the only way your kids can contribute. As humans we learn much more from what we see and experience than what we read or are told.nnIf you take the time to remember back to how you felt when you we young and had no voice in how things were done around the house, we think you will soon realize how frustrating it was and how much more enjoyable life would have been if your opinion and your concerns had been considered. nnIf you are reading this article then you probably are seeking another way. There are many roads to accomplishing the same goal. Taking some time to listen to all family members can provide new, different and possibly more joyful ways to reach those goals.nnAnd all that is needed is the time it takes to have a family discussion! The benefit for that short amount of time will be a more peaceful home where everyone has a chance to contribute from their individual gifts and talents while at the same time increasing their confidence and self-worth. nnWe realize that it takes more understanding and a few more skills than we have time to share in an article to really feel comfortable with understanding the concepts of true giving or to parent with your child's gifts in mind.