Single Mom Considers Dating

I see you walking toward me. Is it you? I can't really tell. It somewhat looks like it could be. How could it be? I never saw you come in. Well, yeah, it could be you. We pass at a distance, while I try to be nonchalant about it.

Then I see you again. I want to make sure it's you. I'm still staring as you get closer. I don't even pretend to look away yet I don't smile. Why don't I smile? I probably look mad or preoccupied. Maybe intense, at its best. But definitely not my happy self. I know it's because I was busy staring at you, but you don't know that.

I don't think you're hot, but I definitely find you attractive. There is something so intriguing about you. I can't put my finger on it. I'm drawn to you each time I see you but do nothing about it. What am I going to do about it? Like I would go and ask you out. No, because I wouldn't.

I wish I was more like my BFF in this instance. She'd ask a guy out without thinking anything of it. I, on the other hand, am the complete opposite. I analyze, over analyze, then analyze some more, just to come up with no definitive answer. Asking a guy out--that's SOOOO not going to happen. I don't even know if you're married. Yes, the first thing I checked out what your finger. But in today's world, that doesn't mean anything. You could just not wear your wedding ring... or you could have a girlfriend.

I've never had a conversation with you. After all, this all may come up if I did. I mean, what would I really do? Just walk up to you and ask you out? Ask if you are married or have a girlfriend. NNOOOOOO! And if you say you aren't taken then say, "Hi I'm Jessica. I've never been married and have a six month old and have my own business, so I really don't know how much time I have for you, but I want to go out and see?"

Really? Does that sound appealing to you, and I'm not even trying to go out with you. So imagine if you're the guy?! Would you throw down your hand on the nearest table and scream, "Yes-Yes-Yes. You are exactly the person I've been waiting for?!"

I'm not sure if dating as a single mom is harder than it was being single? Now I have a child who needs me, but I still find I have the same insecurities and uncertainties as I did before. Will he like me? When I should be thinking, will I like him? I don't need a guy, but I want one. I want to be loved and to love, yet I am the only one standing in my own way.

So why haven't I said a single word to you? What do I really have to lose? My dignity or self-respect? Those are probably over-rated anyways. And what do I have to gain? EVERY.THING.

You know what I'm going to do next time I see you?! Yep, I'm going to do... NOTHING (even if I would like to think I will). I have a ton to gain, but I'm also realistic with myself and know that the likelihood I'm actually going to do it is slim to none. So why bother lying about it?! I guess my fear of rejection is holding me back.

I will keep living in my fairy tale hoping you get the courage up to talk to me. Until then I can either take charge and talk to you or stare at you from a distance. That distance is looking pretty good right now!

Then again, I would rather go out with you. I would rather know one way or another. If you are taken, great for that girl. If you aren't, you could be the one for me. Am I really going to let fear of rejection stand in my way? I don't let it get in my way in my business, so why, when you could be the most important thing in my life, would I now let it stand in my way?

I feel my heart saying one thing and my head saying another. Which one will win? I shouldn't. No, I won't. I find myself walking closer to you. Talking myself into it right now. Telling myself, I am worth it. I deserve love. Why not you? Why not me? Before I know it, the next thing happening is I say, "Hello," to you.

Do you want to date? Are you looking for love? He's out there, even if you don't know how we'll find him. Fore me, the journey is just beginning.