Soul Searching

rnMy soul sometimes feels it needs to take a leap off of a cliff. I find myself watching reruns, just to bide my time until something better comes along. There are a million other things I could be doing at this time, yet I choose to spend my time watching "mindless" tv. I don't necessarily think tv is mindless, but if I have already seen the episode, I do not think I receive much stimulation from it. I feel like I need an escape...an escape from endless work, routine days, and a stagnant existence. When I do travel or take time off, I feel unproductive and lazy. I feel as though there is so much to do, and I am not contributing to any of it. Sometimes I think I need to get a life; other times, I know I have one. Many people would look at my life and think it is not difficult, and they would be right. Maybe that is the problem. I am not wanting trauma, torment, or tragedy. I am just wanting some challenges, adventures, and spontaneity. I keep thinking that my job (or type of job) will not last forever. Then again, it has lasted 15 years, and that's almost ten years longer than I thought it would. I am an ambitious person, so I don't know what the hold up is. I don't know what is stopping me from living the life that I want to live. I have had plans, goals, dreams, and I still have them. They just don't seem to come to fruition. I have the best of intentions to make them happen, yet something, always, seems to get in my way. I guess I just never expected them to be quite so difficult to obtain. I've heard that you appreciate it more if you have to work for it. Like so many people, I have worked for it, and now I would appreciate a little easiness coming my way. I would like all the clouds to line up and know it is my time for my ambitions to come to life, to know I have paid my debt. Now, miraculously, everything is happening for me. I feel as though my soul is somehow lost in itself. I feel I am held captive by things that are sometimes out of my control. I have the initiative and follow through, but the person at the other end doesn't hold up his/her part. I contact that person, and he/she doesn't get back with me. I eventually give up contacting that person. Unreliability seems so prevalent these days. I feel as though I am in an endless cycle, never able to find the crack in it to break free. I have a job that is just that...a job. It is one that I go to in order to pay the bills. I thrive on mental stimulation, and this job holds not even an ounce of it. I deal with, as many people do, people who can be rude, unappreciative, and downright irritating. There are people who I deal with who are also generous, nice, and friendly. Being in a non-enthralling job for so long, many people tend to focus on and remember the negative ones. It is a job that I am embarrassed to tell people I have, for I had higher expectations, goals, and dreams for myself. Each day that I go to work, I feel as though it is eating away little by little parts of my soul, parts of who I am. So, sooner or later, the real me will cease to exist. I wonder how you get out of this vicious cycle. I have no doubt there are many people in this situation, and I don't know about them, but I have to say, "I HATE IT!" It speaks volumes when you absolutely, without a doubt, dread going back to work. Then when you are there, you constantly (like every 2 minutes) look at your watch and have a continuous count down for the minute you get to walk out the door...just to return tomorrow to do the exact same thing. Hopefully, you don't bring the negativity and lack of enthusiasm home and let it affect other aspects of your life. Then, when you get home, you are so exhausted and drained from your day (mainly because you hate what you are doing or where you are working) that you just want to sit on the couch and relax. You don't want to spend the few hours you have (before you have to return to that dreadful place) looking for another job. Plus, that just sucks, in general. Even if your job is okay, and not awful, no one likes looking for a job. The process of searching for one that you want or are capable of doing and then the interview process...it all stinks. How do you get the motivation to even begin the job search? Where do you look? All of this thought process is enough to boggle the mind and keep anyone on the couch for good...just biding time...until something better comes along. While I'm sitting on the couch, yes, Mr. Clooney (you can pick your favorite) is going to come knocking on my door saying, "Jessica Rector, you are the perfect person. The one I have been looking for to...(you fill in the job)." Although many people (including myself) hold out a shimmer of hope, this is never going to happen. People spend 40+ hours a week at their jobs, and to those of us who dislike our jobs, this seems like 100+ hours a week. It takes over your life, and not in a good way. How can I knowingly allow something to consume bits of me? It is not like an animal that is eating away at my flesh. It is not a disease that is nibbling away at my organs or one where I can see the miserable side effects. Am I choosing to stay in this mind-numbing job, because I can't visually see what it is doing to me? I can't see the ramifications right away, so do I think it doesn't affect my well being? There are so many times in life when we feel as though we don't have a choice. The fact is we have a choice. We may not like the choices, but they exist. Choosing one over another may not be an easy task, and I'm not implying it is. What your heart and soul feels will always show itself. It may take time, more time than you want, but until the answer truly speaks to you, wait. Don't make a choice just to choose something. If you do, then you may wind up right back where you started from. I just know that you always have choices. That goes for me too. I know I have other places to work, but like tv reruns, I am biding my time. I am biding my time until I go back to school in a couple of months to obtain another degree. I don't like the fact that I am choosing to bide my time. I feel as though those couple of months are in some ways not as important as other months. We have all heard the saying, "Life is short," so why would you choose to bide your time at all? A couple of months can be considered a long time. Think of your birthday or New Year's, if you are like me, at these times, I always think of what I have done in the past year or what I have accomplished. A couple of months in this realm is quite a long time of doing nothing. When you are waiting for something to occur, it is just easier to do nothing. I guess that's why we are where we are in life. I keep telling myself that the job I have now is flexible for going back to school, and that's why I've done nothing. Maybe I've had too many of "just do nothing" times in my life, and this will get you nowhere. So, in my couple of "biding time" months, I will be looking for the crack in this cycle to break free. I have always thought that when I got older, and got a job, it would be one that I just loved. I have known people who have said that you cannot love your job. It is work, and that is the definition of work...to work. I had a professor in college that told us he was one of the lucky few who actually loved his job. He loved it so much that it was not like coming to work; it was fun and enjoyable for him. I told him that I had been holding out hope for this to be true, and he just validated it for me. Only you can motivate you. I can tell you to get up and make it happen and give you reasons in which to do it, but you are the only one who can make the choice that is best for you. If you don't get out there and make it happen, no one is going to do it for you. You have to decide what's more important, a job you enjoy and love or a life of numbness and death of the soul. You can find a job that achieves your passion. It will be a career, not just a job to pay the bills. One where it is not like work, but a place you can go to thrive, learn, and teach. You will no longer have to bide your time. It will give great hope to so many others, who are looking for something beyond a job, something to be proud of. A life to be proud of. Not all jumps have to be at 2000 feet. This work that you will be doing will allow your soul to soar. Not giving your soul, your being, everything you are what it needs to thrive is the same as watching it slowing die. If you knew you were dying and had the power to stop it, you would! Take a jump! Don't you want to fly?