Speak Up or Sit Down!

Some of you may know her.

That woman who speaks her mind and gets what she wants. All the while soft, vulnerable, and smart. This has nothing to do with having a big mouth, but only big dreams.

What I'm talking about is being honest about your needs and feelings with people, specifically men. Unfortunately, when you meet new people most women want to appear safe, not needy, and self sufficient. Usually if a man asks a woman what does she want, rarely, is she going to say the truth about her need to be in a long term relationship or married. The reply is usually have fun, I don’t know, just want to be with a nice person. It’s vague and ambiguous. Then people move on and we’re left wondering what happened.

A young woman who reads Alphanista religiously, but never comments, emailed me some time ago. She told me she was in a relationship with her man for a year, and was thinking of breaking up with him. When I asked her why, she said he hadn’t paid his part of the rent. When I asked her if she told him that he hadn't, she said no because she didn’t want to argue. I told her that her relationship hasn’t even started.

When you are honest with people, you give them a chance to bond with you, and get closer. It draws people to you, or at least the right ones. In another situation, there was a friend I grew up with who would try on relationships like a pair of shoes, and kick them off for a new pair. She told me all she wanted was to have fun, meet guys, and find herself. But that was so far from the truth. She kept lying to herself, and people lied to her. Then eventually she met a man she broke down with, on the first date she told him she wanted to get married in a year to the right man. Just so happened, he was the right man. It wasn’t a year, but a year and half. They got engaged in 9 months.

One of the reasons folks don’t assert themselves in relationships is because of Fear. Fear of being denied, rejected or misunderstood. So, instead of asking you start to complain. Complain that people don’t know how to act or treat you, or that men these days are too passive, that they don’t care. A good example is that when we accept an invite to a party we don’t want to attend, and show up late. We complain about why we’re late or that the party started too late or too early. Instead of just speaking up, and saying you didn't want to go (to yourself, and making a promise to not force yourself again).

The bottom line is to honor your yeses and nos. But also to make a clear statement of your desire. One thing it does is give the other person space to say no. Then it allows you to grow and trust yourself and in the goodness of life that all is well, and you will be ok. You have to have a detached feeling to the response. It gives you the freedom to ask for anything you want from anybody. Can you imagine how that would be like? How many more possibilities you could create for yourself?

In order to express your feelings you have to know what they are. Love is not nice and pretty. You can’t always look nice and pretty to people. You can’t be invested in all that if you want to experience love. An alphanista gets that. Once you get in touch with your needs and feelings about each circumstance you’re facing through specific "treatments" and jou
aling, you’ll see that it’s a risk worth taking.

Also, you must give up the need to be right, have your way and strategize. Ask yourself what kind of love do you want to create? One that's strategic, combative, and ambiguous? I don't think so.