Spousal Support

Spouses are of course independent thinkers and doers, who happen to be in a committed relationship with other independent thinkers and doers. It's no wonder marriage can be tough. "How do I get what I want?" (look to the right)..."Oh no, no, no, how do I get what I want?" (look to the left).

We get our wish list fulfilled from having both indirect support and direct support. Let me explain these in order. One of the unique by-products of being married is the amount of indefinable, underlying, and indirect support we get from our spouse. Support that equates to "growth". In this type of support, our spouse has filled in the blanks in our life. Their doing so contributes to our independence, self-esteem and courage as an individual. All the time spent together in late-night talks, comments, praises, smiles, and winks to and from each other is time spent building blocks of confidence. Indirect support is in my opinion what creates longevity in the marriage because the benefits are not always immediately visible.

The other type of support, direct support, is more visible. In direct support, the benefits can be immediate, or short-term. We perform direct support daily by helping our spouse at their request or when we see the need. For example, a wife nursing her husband back to health and helping him to and from his wheelchair is direct support. With direct support, spouses see and acknowledge the others supportive efforts.

Which support is better - indirect support or direct support? Neither. Both are important. But one spouse may provide indirect support, and the other spouse provides the direct support. Without this understanding, couples may fight when it seems one is giving more support than the other. Does this sound like you? For whichever supporter you are, begin offering your spouse the opposite support.

Remember our opening questions? Hopefully, you will get what you want. But I also hope you and your spouse will appreciate each other's support in the process.