Stories of the Grieving Process After a Child Dies - “Finding a Grief Buddy” (and the Tail Rotor of a Bell 206 Helicopter)

“HeartSpun Talk from the Crucible of Experience”©

From the life of Ken Matthies - Author, Poet, Real Life Storyteller

I’ll understand if you’re wondering what a grief buddy* could possibly have to do with the tail rotor of a Bell 206 helicopter…or what lesson of healing value could be found in either one of those subjects.

Bear with me here and see for yourself the values of healing from loss, grief and bereavement to be found in both.

Almost five years after the sudden death of my helicopter pilot daughter in a crash I found myself reading another book about grief, this one entitled ‘Understanding Your Grief – Ten Essential Touchstones for Finding Hope and Healing Your Heart’ by Dr. Alan Wolfelt. It’s a really good book for a bereaved parent to be reading no matter how far down the pike you’ve come since your loss happened.

It was in this book that I first came across the term ‘grief buddy’ under the category of Caring for your Social Self. It refers to the fact that although no one else can grieve the death you’ve experienced just like you do, you’re not alone because there are fellow travelers along the road of grief who’ve had similar experiences…someone who is also mou
ing a death and needs a companion in grief right now.

I immediately thought of Greg, a local area father like me who has also lost a daughter to sudden death and is still hurting and mou
ing big time, much like I was on my own earlier road of healing. I called immediately and left him a message because my heart connected instantly with not only the concept of a grief buddy, but also with my own still great need for one at the time.

He not only called me back almost immediately but also understood totally my request to become grief buddies who could agree to share our healing journey together. He even drove out to spend the afte
oon and early evening with me so we could spend hours talking about our girls, and lean on each others shoulders through the joy and pain of being able to do so.

We’d spoken before on numerous occasions and he knew how my daughter had died. He also knew how intensely proud I still felt about her achievements in becoming a helicopter pilot against all the odds which had faced her. This despite the fact that it became the manner of her death – because I know and believe she died doing what she loved.

Greg used to be a helicopter repair engineer in a previous life so he understood how I felt. He’d also accumulated a few mementos from his time in that trade. In the midst of his own hurt his thoughtfulness and caring about my daughter and I took the form of a gift he brought to help me remember her by.

That’s right – it was the timed out tail rotor of a Bell 206 helicopter – a type of machine I knew my girl had flown from time to time throughout her short career.

It has become a gift of healing to my heart because my ‘grief buddy’ knew and understood the value I would place upon it and the high esteem I would hold it in as a memento of her life and achievements.

It’s now mounted high on the wall of my office above the beautifully framed copy of the poem ‘The Feather’ which I’d written for her funeral. I have every reason in the world to believe that my daughter’s spirit can see it too and that she smiles with joy at the events which placed it there.

So where’s the healing to be found in this short story? You need look no further than the fellow traveler along this road of loss, grief and bereavement whom you can and should connect with to share your journey – a ‘grief buddy’ who knows and understands your pain.

The pain of remembrance in doing so is far outweighed by the gain of the connection – a connection which will not only bond your hearts and grief experiences together in remembrance, but will also begin to lift your broken spirits up to take another major step on your journey of healing from it.

Who knows – you too might find yourselves sharing healing mementos that will bring a smile of joy to the spirit of the loved ones you lost, and to your own.

** ’Grief Buddy’ - A term from the book “Understanding Your Grief” by Alan D. Wolfelt, Ph.D