Stress of Being Praised

Last week, I looked at the evaluations of a talk I had just given. One was excellent; when I glanced at the page, I realized the name of the writer. “Oh,” I remarked, “that’s just a friend.” The implication was that since the writer was a friend, there was something less valid about the praise. I had fallen into a typical error; luckily I backed out quickly.

Do you know that most people believe criticism is much more accurate than praise? That they dismiss praise for a variety of reasons while taking criticism to heart? And people whose self esteem is suffering are more likely to do this.

Think about it – when you deny praise, you do several things:
- Imply that the praise-giver is lying, insincere, or just has lousy judgment.
- Assume that the positive image the praise implies just can’t be true of you.
(Who needs enemies, when you can do such a good job on yourself?) - Believe that you understand the motivation of the person offering the praise.

Some years ago I was seated next to another dancer in a backstage dressing room. She was complaining loudly that her mother came to her performances and said, “You were the best one” and other similar remarks. The dancer said, sco
fully, “What does she know?”

Her mother may not have been an expert on dance, but she was displaying unconditional love – something everyone wants but few people recognize when it is offered!

Do recognize that loved ones who praise you may be saying “We love you, care about you, and want to support you,” regardless of how well you are doing in some arena that is not relevant to your relationship.

The proper response to praise? Say “Thank you,” then seek professional guidance for your skill elsewhere. Your family and friends are there (hopefully) to love and support you, not necessarily to give you technical help.

Understand that a praise-giver may be genuinely impressed with you or your abilities even if you believe you haven’t reached some goal you have set for yourself.

Don’t turn away praise, implying that you are sco
ful of the praise or the person giving it. Think of how you have felt when someone sco
ed your opinions publicly.

Praise is not:
- A bargain: I’ll praise you, and then you praise me. You don’t have to praise the person right back.
- A business transaction or manipulation: Even if you believe the other person is praising you in order to “get” something from you, don’t assume that you have to give it.
Just say “Thank you.” Try not to make a face, or toss your head, saying “Oh, do you really think so? I thought I was terrible”...or “I think this outfit makes me look fat”... or “My hair has never looked so awful.”

And why would anyone, after receiving this treatment from you, or observing you treat someone else this way, ever dare to praise you again?

Next time someone praises you, and you think “lousy taste,” or “Oh-oh, manipulation here,” just smile and say “Thank you.”

They may be right or wrong about your excellences. You may be right or wrong about their motivation. Just learn to say “Thank you,” and then shut your mouth.

At the very least, it confuses your enemies. And who knows, you might allow yourself to consider that the praise-giver just could be right.