Surviving Your Child's First Break-Up

One of the hardest things for any parent to face is a child with a broken heart. You never want to see your child hurt and yet you know it’s inevitable. Having hurt feelings is part of life. True heartbreak, as painful as it can be, is also part of that cycle.

While heartache at any age is painful and difficult, the first time your child has a broken heart can be most difficult for you as their parent. Like all firsts, they’ve never gone through this before and that can make it more challenging.

Kids will suffer from heartbreak for many reasons while they’re growing up. They may be torn up over the loss of a family pet, a fight at school, or their best friend moving away.

These are all serious events in the life and heart of a child, even when they feel crushed by the loss of their goldfish or gerbil.

The good news about these heartaches is that they do help prepare them to a certain extent for future emotional pain.
The first crush is an amazing time in a child’s life. It can be wonderful and tortuous at the same time. When those feelings are reciprocated, the child will feel like all is right with the world as long as things are going well.

Few people, if any, go through life having had only one love. In theory, this is possible, but very unlikely today. The more likely scenario is that your kid will fall in love many times during their life. When this process starts varies depending upon the person in question. Some have boyfriends and girlfriends at a very young age while other kids don’t have a serious romance until they’re in high school or even later.

That said, the first time that your son or daughter breaks up with a significant other can be crushing for them. Handling the emotional fallout can be as challenging for you and other family members as it is for your child.
What you should do for your heartbroken child will vary. Tap into your Internal Guidance System (IGS) during this sensitive time. That can really help you know how to best approach your child.

Some kids will need space and not want to talk about it -- at least not for a while. Knowing when to push for your child to open up can be difficult. The best thing you can do is just let your kid know you’re available to listen when they’re ready. The rest is up to them.

When you child does come to you and wants to talk, keep in mind that this is about them and their feelings. As much as you may want to fix the problem, this is a time when you have to recognize that there are things that even Supermom and Superdad can’t fix.

Giving your child a safe place to express their feelings is another good thing you can do for them. They probably don’t need to hear that you thought their ex wasn’t good enough anyway, that it’s the ex’s loss, or that there are “other fish in the sea.” Sometimes just being there is the right answer and can be more comforting than any trite euphemism.

Be okay with your child talking to only one parent during this time -- even if that parent isn’t you. Each parent may take on a different role in helping the child get over their heartbreak.

For example, a son may want to talk to his father about his feelings or how to understand girls. Or he may confide in his mom and ask her questions. If you aren’t the one your child is confiding in, continue to be supportive and remind your child that you’re available if they want to talk. It can also be great to let them know that you’re glad they can talk to their mom or dad.

Again, this is about your child. Unless they ask, they probably don’t need to hear about your experiences. For some kids, hearing that their mom or dad was in love with someone before they were married can be uncomfortable. Even if they understand it on an intellectual level, pondering a parent’s love life is just not something they want to do.

If they ask, get clues from your child’s body language and use your Internal Guidance System (IGS) to help you decide what parts of your past may be helpful to share and when the sharing should stop.

While none of this will stop your child from having another heartbreak, you can both survive the first break up. By seeing how your child reacts to the first one, you can be even better prepared to see them through any future heartache.