Surviving...and then...Thriving

I guess my absence, from contributing to this site, is a testimony to my recovery and mental health. I have spent the past few years rediscovering myself after being part of a relationship my whole life. It's been a painful, bittersweet, empowering journey.

This Sunday will be the nine year anniversary of when my husband took his own life.
I'm writing this because I had another epiphany just the other day. I realized that when he died he robbed me of the chance to repair our 30+ year marriage. And, no matter what, I will never have that opportunity. I knew we were in trouble when he told me, a few months before his death, that he wanted to be single and 'find himself'. Where have we heard that before? 'Do you want a divorce?' I asked. 'No, I just want to be free for awhile'. We lived apart, seeing each other most weekends. He was kind but aloof. He was there but not there, while he helped with chores around the house and sat down to dinner with me. He insisted on separate bedrooms. So I waited for him to find himself. Four months later he was dead.

After the shock...this was the least likely person to do anything like this...I was ashamed and felt so guilty. If I had know
I could have saved him...like I'd been doing for the past 3 decades. After taking the time for grieving, (and believe me, I went through it all: denial, rage, grief, bargaining, resignation, acceptance),I took a long hard look at myself, as it related to my relationship with him. I saw a lot of room for improvement for this old girl. I was so co-dependent and controlling.
So I began to examine my actions and reactions and through much hard work, I found peace and I found me. Ironic, isn't it? I like myself much better these days. And most important of all, I know that I never could control anything but my own actions.
I am a survivor of suicide and I am thriving. I write for a living and try my best to help other writers.