The 600-pound Gorilla: How to Reduce Money Fights in a Relationship

Few issues bring out the worst in relationships and couples like money. Whether you’re rolling in the dough or struggling to make ends met, money is the number one reason couples fight.

When people enter into a romantic relationship, they bring a portfolio of emotions, hopes, fears, strengths and weakness – all of which have been shaped by our past. But it’s very seldom that we address the portfolio of emotions we bring to money and finances, and so it usually becomes the 600-pound gorilla in the relationship.

Here are a few tips to help you address your 600-pound gorilla:

1. Love and money have absolutely nothing to do with each other.
Money is an emotionally-loaded issue for couples because each person brings their own set of values, beliefs and attitudes about money to their relationship – most of which have been formed by the time we are 12 years old. Conflicting values and attitudes about money are at the core of financial conflict in relationships. (Notice I didn’t mention a word about love).

2. Most people don’t really know how their views about money have been shaped. We tend to know we are either a “spender” or a “saver” – but most people couldn’t tell you for sure how they got that way. So it becomes quite a daunting task to build a financial life that blends both partner’s hopes and dreams for today and the future!

3. Money fights are rooted in what money symbolizes for each person in the relationship.
Does money represent emotional security, control or power for you? Do you know what money symbolizes for your partner? You must know this information so you can begin to bridge the difference between what money symbolizes for you as a couple. And there will be plenty of differences to bridge since you grew up in two different homes, which, in all likelihood, valued money differently. Doing this will go an incredibly long way in helping to end, or at the very least de-fuse, your money fights.

4. Money fights have to do with each partner’s perception that the other does not respect their feelings when it comes to financial decision-making.
In other words, you or your partner feel disrespected or ignored by the other when a financial decision is made that you either disagree with or would not make.

The key to reducing or eliminating money fights is to shift your mindset about money. Once you have done that, you are now in a position to shift your view of money as an emotion or power tool and treat it for what it really is – a commodity. If you can take all the emotions away from money and view it as any other commodity, (which it is) you will no longer view money in relation to power and control in your relationship. Once you have done this, you will be well on your way to stopping the money fights in your relationship!