The Argument Ain't Over Until...

Les and Mary had a great Sunday dinner. It was pizza night and the kids were excited. Dinner led to a tickle-war that ended after bedtime. Showers and jammies and preparation for school the next day were squished into about ten minutes as exhaustion set in for everyone.

When Mary woke the next morning, she was greeted by the now crusty plates left on the table, and pizza making mess in the kitchen. Scanning the chaos, she let out one of those big-bad all body breaths and thought about what she would do next. Dinner dishes were not her designated chore. Worse still, Les had promised last night that he would get the dishes.

Les approached from behind, looking hurried, like he was already thinking about what lay ahead at the office. But he stopped when he saw Mary’s face, then looking at the dishes on the table. “Ummm” he said, shifting from work mode to home mode. “I totally blew it with the dishes didn’t I?”

Mary paused, thinking about what to say or not say, thinking about how big a deal she wanted to make this.

And during Mary’s pause, Les said, “I’m totally sorry, I said that I would do the dishes and didn’t. I can get this done in like two minutes…so how about you go and get dressed and I will get this. And I will also get you some coffee. Cool?”

“Sure,” Mary said as she about-faced and set off to dress. The answer sounded logically great. She was off the hook with the dishes and Les was meeting his commitments, albeit a tad tardy. His voice told her that he was genuinely sorry. And yet, while their tiff was over it didn’t really feel over. She felt icky, her heart was beating fast and her body was tense. She wonder’s if something else is bothering her.

So what should Mary believe, her body or her brain?
A little bit of information about how your brain works explains why Mary feels like she should feel better but doesn’t. In an argument, Mary’s body goes on alert, her brain and body physically aroused, raising her heart rate, her teeth and fists clench. As descendants of cave men, humans are wired to perceive and respond to danger, both real and perceived. And while Les is not a lion, Mary’s body reads his actions as a threat and her body goes on alert. Her brain and body hype her up to be able to fight or to flee.

Even after a big-bad frustrating argument subsides, Mary’s physical body does not go back to baseline at the drop of a hat. Some estimates note that it will take Mary 20 minutes to get back to “pre-attack state,” although this varies from person to person and takes longer for women than for men.

And while you might think that your thoughts affect how your body feels and not the other way around, research tells us that how your body feels also affects how you think. Like a loop, your thoughts affect how you feel, and how you feel affects how you think. This explains why Mary feels a little crazy. On one hand she feels that they’ve come up with a pretty good fix. On the other hand, still riled up, she wonders if she is still mad, either about the dishes or about something else. Her brain is telling her body to calm down, problem is over, while at the same time conducting a separate investigation as to what is causing all of these physical symptoms. It’s no wonder Mary feels like a crazy person.

Fixing until it feels better (and not stopping when it should be better but isn’t)
While you may be tempted to stop your relationship problem solving when you reach a logical conclusion, you’d be wiser to fix until it feels better. The argument isn’t over until your brain and your body are back to baseline, where the logical conclusion actually brings the promised improvement. An argument isn’t fixed when you think it should be fixed; it’s fixed when it feels fixed.

Les is a smarty. When he brings Mary her coffee, he sees that she is still a bit off. He knows that she withdraws and averts his gaze when she is upset. While he could say something like, “when are you going to get over this,” or maybe “I thought we were done with this argument,” he doesn’t. He fixes until it feels better. Knowing that Mary loves bear hugs, he puts the coffee down, slowly turns her body toward him and embraces her. He doesn’t let go until he feels her relax, her body tension dropping, her breathing slowing back to normal.

If an argument doesn’t feel like it’s over, it isn’t. An argument isn't over until it feels over.