The Art of Communication

Communication is more of an art, rather than exact science. A person who reads and studies about how to communicate may still struggle to communicate effectively in many situations. No book can teach you how to respond to your spouse in every given situation. Instead, the art of communication requires practice.

Hopefully, you know your spouse better than anyone else, so it is important for you to be able to use that knowledge to pick up on your partner’s cues. Determining whether your partner is looking for advice, emotional support for how she is feeling or just an ear to listen is important when determining your response.

For example, is your spouse telling you she feels overwhelmed with how much she has to do because she wants you to acknowledge she is a great wife and mother for sacrificing so much of her time? Or is she looking for you to offer some advice on how to manage her time? Or maybe she wants you to help her by taking over some of her responsibilities. Determining what she needs from you will make a big difference in how you respond.

Also, your knowledge of your partner can help you decide when to be playful and when to be serious. It can also give you cues into when it is okay to provide criticism and when it isn’t. For example, if your spouse is upset about something, it may not be an appropriate time to point out a grammatical error. Timing can be very important and knowing when to avoid saying something is a very important part of tactful communication.

Avoid interrupting your spouse. For some people, interrupting becomes a habit and they don’t even recognize they are doing it. Perhaps at work, they interrupt people in meetings to get their point across and it is considered acceptable. But what is acceptable in a relationship with co-workers may not be acceptable in a relationship with a spouse. Learn to pay attention to your partner’s entire conversation without interrupting.

Show that you are truly listening to your partner. Pay attention to how much eye contact you are offering. Sitting behind your laptop typing or using your phone to text does not show you are listening. Take your eyes away from the television and look at your partner. Use body language, such as nodding your head, to show you are listening. Also provide some verbal cues when appropriate such as saying, “Yeah,” or “uh-huh.” These reactions provide valuable feedback and reinforcement to your partner.

Learn how to ask questions appropriately. Sometimes a question may seem like a challenge. For example, a husband returns home from the store with a new hot water tank. He tells his wife he found one and she replies with, “did we really need a new one?” He assumes she is questioning his judgment. She is actually just confused as to why he didn’t consult with her first. Pay attention to how you are asking questions and as well as what sort of information you are really looking to obtain. Asking questions about why someone does something often leads to a defensive response.

Ask open-ended and specific questions to encourage your spouse to talk. If you say, “How was your day today?” you may receive a one word answer. However, if you ask specifically, “what happened in your board meeting today?” you may receive a more detailed response. If you aren’t getting much of a response from your partner, consider pointing that out instead of asking more questions. Respond by saying, “I’d love to hear about your day but I’m not getting many details. Would you prefer not to talk right now?” Perhaps your spouse is tired from a long day at work and would be more likely to talk about it later in the evening. This can lead to a better response than simply asking more questions which can cause your partner to shut down even more.

Working on communication is an on-going process. As you and your partner grow and change, your communication styles and needs may require some fine tuning. With practice and attention to detail, you can improve your relationship.