The art of living with fear (of fear): A story about anxiety and its gifts

I have always suffered from anxiety and a hint of depression, the type of mental cocktail that no one wants but many get. I started looking for professional help around the age of 22 and continued to do so, unsuccessfully, until recent years. This is the story about how I managed to, not only manage anxiety but discover its gifts and benefits. It all started when I realized that my shortness of breath, overactive mind and frantic heartbeats were not normal. Up until that point, which was right before I turned 22, I always thought that all those symptoms were part of life and that their occurrence was as normal as the many other involuntary processes of the body such as breathing or digestion, I was wrong. I discovered, after talking to some close people about it, that I had something special, a disorder not many understood (or believed it existed) and so, I quickly started walking the path of weekly therapy sessions and daily reads of self-improvement articles. I decided to, after reading about different treatments for the disorder, go and talk to a hypnotherapist. I went for about 3 months and my anxiety improved, I started feeling (for the first time in my existence) like there was no reasons to worry about the world, my life or me. I could go out and have normal conversations with people, without being interrupted by this incessant, negative feeling inside of me that everything was absolutely and inevitably wrong. I felt relieved, different, I felt like I had cheated my “enemy” and escaped its claws of self-doubt and deprecation, but I couldn’t have been further from the truth. One day, I decided to go out to a bar with some friends. I was enjoying the conversations, the laughter, the freedom to be myself and, just when I was too distracted with such freedom, my “enemy”, this enormously omniscient creature called anxiety, decided to show up and show me my mistakes, my doubts, my obstacles and proceeded to crush me in its grip, gradually, until It went back to being my master again and the indisputable owner of my mind (and life). I quickly went back to therapy and continued to do so, changing therapists and modalities whenever my anxiety increased its size and power, until it grew too much. Therapy wasn’t effective anymore, maybe it could have been if I went earlier in life or stayed with one therapist, but, all these assumptions were irrelevant; the definite truth was that the monster had freed himself from the chains of counseling and there was not a person in sight that could tame it, not even myself.So, I simply decided to restart one of my preferred methods for soothing the mind and numbing the beast, even if it only worked briefly: drinking. I started drinking every time I went out, I developed the habit of buying a box of white wine and chugging it before I entered an event or any place where social interaction was to be expected (or even required). It became my ritual, my mantra of choice whenever I had to leave my house. Drinking solved (or, more accurately, postponed) my issues for a small amount of time, sufficient enough to meet someone and become valuable, cared for, important. Then, life happened. Things went south quickly between us and I realized that this value, this importance was only an illusion. I had tricked my mind into thinking she felt that way, maybe because I was tired of feeling disconnected from life (and other humans) or because I wanted an excuse to feel good, to improve; but it all disappeared and I was left, not only with this huge, unstoppable monster that was anxiety but also with some friends he had made along the way, one of which was a subtle yet persistent creature: suicidal ideation. I realized that drinking was no longer effective, it could tame anxiety a little bit, just enough for me to go out and pretend to be normal but suicidal ideation was different, it was immune; it even seemed to feed and grow from it. I desperately started looking for self-help methods that could help me sooth this different type of monster and, by trying many different ones, I did find one that was effective enough for me to breathe a little and live, yet even when they were asleep, the monsters continued to grow. At that moment in my life, I realized nothing I would do would get rid of them, no therapy or amount of alcohol could make them disappear, so I started doing the exact opposite of pushing them away: embracing them. With time, I managed to understand their purpose and why they never really left me alone, even to this day. This is a compilation of the gifts and benefits anxiety (and some of its friends) brought into my life when I stopped running and started listening: rn1. The ability to be more courageous: Every time I feel anxiety about a decision I have to make, I remember it is just a friend trying to look out for me. I listen to it and find out if he is being protective, like when I’m walking in a dangerous neighborhood, or if he is simply scared of doing something new, of trying new things. If it is fear that motivates anxiety, and there is no logical reason behind it, then I usually make that choice because fear, especially when it comes from anxiety, is mostly based on negative self-beliefs, it is not rational and, therefore, should not be taken too seriously. 2. The gift of living in the now: Anytime I’m out, surrounded by people or in any type of situation and start having anxiety, I remember it is only trying to protect me the way a friend would protect its closed ones, so I treat it as such. I listen to it, I breathe deeply and stay with it until it goes to sleep and if it doesn’t want to, I realize that there may be something inside of me that I need to address (such as negative beliefs, habits or behaviors). In any case, I always stay with it and by doing so, it lets me live life right now and appreciate it much more deeply (and slowly). 3. The ability to make better decisions: Anxiety is not only afraid of crowded places, changes or new situations, it is also afraid of most things that make you grow as a person. Whenever I feel anxiety and I’m about to do something that I deep down really want to do (such as talking to a girl I like, sharing my music with other people or taking new risks and opportunities) I make the choice that helps me grow, stay with the anxiety and let it know that there is nothing to be afraid in growing and being better. Now, as a result, Anxiety lets me know deep down what I really want in life and it points the direction by making me feel self-doubt, lack of breath and other symptoms that, If I didn’t listen to it, would seem like obstacles but, because I decided to pay attention to it and embrace its existence, I understand now that this is how anxiety communicates. If you decide to embrace it instead of hiding from it, you will too understand its language and benefit from it greatly.