The Carnival of Self-Doubt - Step Right Up!

When we are unaware of our self-doubt, the process of seeking to find meaning in our life becomes a bit of a spiritual carnival. Everyone is talking about growing and healing and it’s hard to know who to listen to. Over here is a man on a soapbox offering to fix all your problems for a modest fee and over there is a woman with a crystal ball calling you to experience your future. Once you place your money on the table, all will be revealed to you.

If we are truly fortunate, we find a powerful master inside an arcade crane vending machine. He is sitting behind the metal apparatus in deep meditation. The bright lights flashing in a variety of pastel colors with an electronic banner parading around the outside proclaiming that all the answers to your questions lie behind the glass. Step up, put your money in the slot and wait as he sets up the crane. “Grab the handles, the master instructs you and find your inner being.” You move it to the left, then to the right. The answer to your most pressing question, loosely lying on top of the other items, vulnerable just waiting there for you to grab it.

With confidence you hit the down arrow and the crane’s claw falls directly on target. However, the tension is too loose to take hold and the answer slips away. The crane immediately goes back into its resting place and the light demanding more money starts flashing. You want to know. You have come so far and all the answers are in front of you, within this vending machine of knowledge. What’s one more try? But the master inside the vending machine will never allow you to win. You will never be welcomed inside the box to benefit from his knowledge. You will simply keep emptying your pockets.

When you find yourself exhausted from the countless amounts of money you have inserted into the machine, you lower yourself down to sit before it. You can only hope the machine will miss you pouring money into it and light up to give you something for free; some poignant piece of wisdom that will help you get where you want to go. The lights however remain dark and the voice that would project with deep assurance would remain silent. Indifference is the only prize it had for you now.

It is the experience of a lifetime to discover you have doubt about yourself. In time when you find yourself giving your power away for the wisdom of other masters, you will recognize that part of you is searching for rescue; part of you doesn’t believe you can do it for yourself. This becomes your greatest gift where you can say the money was well spent. It shows us something about the other as well as something about our selves. It’s simply a contrast of someone being a master for validation and someone needing a master for validation. From here the middle is easy to see. You become a master but never to control, manipulate or empower yourself. Standing on the rung of a ladder you simply reach down and help another to move up, sometimes even to a higher rung than yours. You understand validation is a natural part of the human experience just as rain and wind are a part of the planet. These experiences are inescapable. Instead of needing a master, you lovingly witness those parts of yourself and take the time to validate them yourself through practicing meditation.

When anyone tells you that your seeking is for attention or to be validated, stay still in yourself and hear their desperate cries to matter. I believe when someone judges you, they are really judging themselves and making it about you. It would be equally as ridiculous for someone to tell you that you were seeking oxygen or that your life experience was wrong. We cannot live without oxygen and we cannot live without validation. The way we live our life and the choices we make have a deeper purpose built right in. It is not possible for anyone to understand the mysteries and if anyone tries, they will only project their opinions and ideas onto you.

I have learned that to live life is to embrace the unknown and the questions about tomorrow. When you don’t know what tomorrow has in store for you and fear is staring you in the face, you have found the doorway to enlightenment. The fear merely a manifestation of your ego and if you can stay present with that you will discover the power of the present moment. It is natural to question the fear and the dark unknown but remember that you are aware of it. That awareness will make you ready to respond no matter what suddenly appears on your path. Becoming a follower means you haven’t yet found all the parts of yourself that don’t believe in you. You haven’t found all the emotional triggers that are causing you to disbelieve in yourself. Instead you stay with people and situations that you don’t want to be involved with so you can be secure.

Finding a master inside a vending machine is a virtuous opportunity. It is through allowing others to guide us through our lives we soon learn we are simply walking within their shadows. A true master will never be greater than you. A true master will teach you only for a short time in order to insure you become your own master. A true master has no interest in the number of followers, no high prices to pay or desires to be praised by the masses. He or she is a master of their life. Be grateful for the false masters; Jesus said there would be many. They help us find an authentic guide for the journey and from there we become empowered to be the burning beam of light, piercing the darkness as we walk through the mysteries of our own life. Embracing self-doubt is a powerful step towards walking the path of enlightenment.