The Gifts We Give our Children Part II

The iPod Turning Point

When our eldest turned 13, he received an iPod from my husband’s sister and a laptop from mine. Could it really be that bad? We all love music, singing and piano playing have brought us together. My husband had owned an iPod for about a year at this point, and this became a “thing” around which they bonded. Our son was listening to my husband’s favorites and vice versa. Two years later, my younger son got the same set of gifts and the bonding intensified exponentially. But look. The brothers weren’t driving each other crazy; they were sharing music and talking about playlists and how to use the programs on their computer. Now presents were more likely to be apple store gift certificates.

It is a slippery slope.

We kept noticing that we were spending a little less time in each other’s rooms. Sunday afte
oons had become a time for all of us to “work” at our computers. When we tried to pick a Sunday night movie to watch together, we would huddle around the computer and check the parental guidance site. Our boys had figured out how to watch TV on their laptops. Bad news. The kids were getting exposed to reruns of Seinfeld and Everybody Loves Raymond. Good news.

Through it all, as our family entered the computer age, we kept talking about it. We bemoaned what we were losing. We looked for ways to compensate. We had new ways to acknowledge our kids because, you know, they really do get this stuff better than we do!

Promote Responsibility and Nurture Independence

So, when my son was ready to start high school he actually asked us if he could have a Facebook account. I was really conflicted. (First of all, I barely knew what it was. This is never a good place to be as a parent.) Would we be giving him access to his friends or exposure to shady characters? Would he be tempted to waste all his time when he should be studying? I called the guidance counselor at his high school the summer before his freshman year. This turned out to be a great decision. Here is my paraphrase of what he told me, “If you don’t let him have an account, and he actually listens to you- he will be an outcast. If he doesn’t listen to you and gets one anyway, you have just created a situation in which he has to lie to you. Let him open and an account and talk to him about it. Keep the lines of communication open.”

So that is what we did. In fact, my son and I joined Facebook at the same time. (No, he did not ‘friend’ me- that is SO uncool). We actually read the fine print that tells you that everything you post is ete
ally searchable. We talked about the power of our words and he agreed to give me his password so I could monitor what was going on. (I stopped doing that after the first year.) My son got his gift-he is on Facebook with way more friends tha
I have. And I got mine. I have a relationship with a pretty trustworthy teenager who is learning that independence comes with responsibility to us and to his peers.

So, is it okay to give our kids access to technology?

In the end, I am still conflicted. I think as parents we have to decide when and how much. And based on my own experience I offer two more suggestions:

1. Keep giving your kids your most precious commodity- your time and attention to listen and to talk.
2. Reach out to experts who can guide you when you are struggling. We were never meant to figure this all out alone. nn