The Journey to Full Self-Expression

The Journey to Full Self-Expression

“And the Day Came when the risk to remain tight in the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom” Anis Nin

This quote really resonates with me. In my experience, many people struggle to be authentic in all of their relationships and dealings with people. Sometimes they let others lead and give in to their desires, not really thinking of their own. This costs people their personal freedom. This sense of suppression can lead to passive aggressive behavior in which one begrudgenly gives in time and again to the demands of others, while remaining resentful on the inside. Since there is no personal power felt in these kinds of interactions, the only choice left to exert some personal control over one’s life is to neglect to return phone calls (avoidance) or become forgetful (you asked me to do what? I don’t remember that). What is so hard about just saying no or stating one’s thoughts about a matter? You know, you may disagree with the other person. This is okay. No one is going to self-destruct over this. This kind of relating to other human beings develops over a lifetime and is usually a pattern learned in one’s family of origin. There is hope however, to changing this way of being in the world.

Steps to Asserting Personal Power

For one thing, practice saying no when you really mean it

Listen to your intuition and don’t let yourself be swayed by other’s opinions- Why they right and you are wrong?

Practice or role play asserting your needs with someone

Do something for yourself on a regular daily basis

Sometimes people do not take risks or follow their dreams because others have convinced them that it won’t work or that they can’t succeed. Never listen to people who dash your hopes. It is most likely that they themselves have theses fears of failure that have nothing to do with your talents or abilities. What is so scary about failing? It is in fact necessary for growth. How can you learn about yourself or grow in any way if you don’t fail? What happens to the bud if it doesn’t grow? It dies without ever blossoming. If we look at this metaphor, the risk to not grow and truly be oneself and realize one’s potential is indeed great and that is the real failure. Have you ever noticed that when you are being your true authentic self without suppressing any thoughts that other people genuinely attract to you? It is because when you are being your true self, you are the happiest and that when you are happy, others around you will be as well. So why would any individual not choose to be themselves fully at all times if one actually is the most joyous in those moments?

When it comes down to it, fear is probably a big reason people don’t fully express themselves in the present moment. Fear of what? Failure? Rejection? Fear of hurting someone’s feelings? Most likely all of these are reasons people suppress who they are and their true desires. What is the cost of fear holding us back? The cost is ourselves and our emotional freedom. The feeling of dissatisfaction with this is sometimes enough to help us break through the façade and fully express ourselves. When the suppression becomes painful, that is when we break out of the mold. Like Anis Nin exclaims, “It’s more painful to remain tight in the bud, than to blossom”. It’s interesting how motivating discomfort or unhappiness is to getting people to overcome the fear of truly being themselves. It’s like you have to be miserable to finally make a positive move for yourself. It’s strange since it seems that being suppressed is counterintuitive. It really is just a fight we have with ourselves when it seems like if we stop struggling, then we could just be and then that would be the ultimate, to not have any blocks to being in the present moment.

To let oneself fully self-express in the moment is both a gift to ourselves and to others. It is possible to practice this way of being by following the above steps and coming to the realization that full self-expression is natural. Think of children. Do they monitor their thoughts or what they say? No. And we adults find this so fascinating and adorable. We were like this at some point long ago right? Being fully self-expressed in the moment is our natural state. We should embrace this.

Copyright 2009
By Angie Langseth-Bostwick, MA, LMHC
Abostwickcounseling.com