The Joys of Being a First Time Mom

It still doesn't seem real. I can't believe it. It's taken me this long to get into a routine of things. Don't get me wrong, I had what I thought were routines. Then a week or two passed, and I would tweak them trying to see if something worked better. Sometimes routines put you in a rut, but as a single mom to a newborn, I need a routine.

I no longer require an alarm clock. I awake to the sounds from his crib, whether he's talking to himself, eating his hand, or crying. He is my wake up call. I sleepily walk to him, pick him up, and immediately kiss his forehead. I look at him, still not believing it. It's as though I'm dreaming this, just like each day in the past 3 1/2 months.

I know he is real. I know I am alive. But every time I look at him, I just can't believe I am a mom and he is my son. I can't believe this little person depends on me for everything. That he grew inside of me, and he is really here. It just seems so surreal. I'm waiting to wake up from this dream or for someone to say, "Just kidding" as though it was a bad joke.

With each passing day, the reality doesn't hit me. When will it seem real? When he says, "Ma-ma?" When he first reaches for me? When he walks to me? When he gets hurt and cries saying, "I want my mom?" When will it sink it that I am a mom and he is my son? When I have to tell him "No?" When he goes off to school?

When I lay my head down at night, it takes no more than five seconds for me to fall asleep. Gone are the days of my mind reeling not able to fall asleep. Now, I don't have much time to think of anything, let alone rehash what happened in the day.

All I want is to sleep well, so I can wake up to my boy talking, walking to him, picking him up, and kissing his forehead. Who knows how long it will take for it to sink it... that he is not a figment of my imagination... but in the mean time, I'm enjoying every moment. The little every day ones and the bigger "firsts." Time goes quickly, so I have to remind myself to savor them and drink them as though they are a glass of water after walking the desert. So I will cherish the moment, and for now, I love living in my dream world.