The misery YOU create in relationships – Life Coaching

One source of immeasurable misery in relationships is thinking that the past will repeat itself. Sorry… People have changed, life is different, and nothing is the same today as it was yesterday.

WARNING! Listen to The Drunk Monkey in your head. Mine says “Matthew Ferry, you are insane! There are many things the same today as yesterday you noodle head!”

Look again. Everything is slowly changing, eroding, degrading, evolving, emerging and transforming. Especially people.

Yet The Drunk Monkey (your mental chatter) takes a snap shot of today and then carries it forward into tomorrow. Really bad idea. Especially with people.

Example: In the first five years of my relationship my Claudine (my wife) she went from 23 years old to 28 years old. By that time, the woman I fell in love with had disappeared. The Drunk Monkey (my mind) was upset all the time. She would behave in new ways because she had grown and evolved. This contradicted The Drunk Monkey’s opinion of who she SHOULD be. I was upset and frustrated a lot.

As my job is to help others let go of the negative for the positive, so being negative isn’t an option. With further examination, I realized that I was holding her accountable to who she was in the past and had no idea who she was today. I also realized that this thought process is exactly what killed my first marriage within five years. “Ah Ha!” The blinding flash of the obvious hit me. “People change!” I know that sounds rudimentary and obvious but I GUARANTEE you are holding the people in your life accountable to who they were and you have no idea who they are!

I made the decision that I no longer knew who my wife was, and that I would spend time rediscovering her. It turned out to be a magical time in our relationship. Claudine and I now operate from this notion: “I have no idea who you are, so tell me about yourself these days.”

When you don’t expect the other person to be anything in particular, then your expectations don’t get broken and you can stay in a flowing state.

Who are you holding accountable to who they were and not who they are?

Full Article Resource: matthewferry.com/blog/