The One Secret to Intimacy, Trust and Love

When we begin a relationship we start off by revealing parts of ourselves, our likes and dislikes, what I like to call our preferences. These include things such as politics, religion, our favorite movies, the food we like, basically our thoughts, views and beliefs. If we agree, like and accept the parts the other person reveals then the relationship continues. If not the relationship can often end before it begins.

Now here is the secret to intimacy, trust and love. The instant someone rejects or tells us one of our preferences or values is bad or wrong it kills intimacy, trust and love.

In almost every relationship, and I am willing to bet in yours, you have revealed some part of yourself and it was not liked. When that happened did you feel like revealing more or did you shut down?

If we don't feel that we are being judged we can reveal more and more. At the deepest level we all want to be accepted, wanted and loved for who we are. We want to feel like we can reveal the core secrets of our self and be accepted and loved.

Unfortunately in many relationships the intimacy starts to die before it can ever really deepen because of the feeling of judgment or rejection. Have you ever told your partner what they thought, felt or liked was wrong or bad?

In great relationships we allow and support our partner in their likes and values. They may not be ours but that is ok. We don't have to have the same likes and values all the time. Actually, for healthy relationships it is only important that the top few values or beliefs be the same. It makes for more interesting relationships when you can share differences as well and sameness.

Even if you are not in a relationship now, do you know what your most important values are? Do you know which is most important, which is second and so on? It is very important that you learn these things about yourself because it will be a key to finding the right partner.

If you are in a relationship, and want the intimacy and love to grow, then the first thing you should do is immediately stop judging any of your partner's preferences as wrong or bad. Let your partner know you think they are fine; that even if they are not your preferences you don't judge them.

Let me give you an example. In her book "How to Make Anyone Fall in Love with You" Leil Lowndes has a chapter titled "Finally, Snaring the Confirmed Bachelor". In that chapter she talks about a man she met while doing research. He was 40 years old, the host of a television show and highly desirable, but never stayed in a relationship very long.

One evening, over dinner, she asked him why he was never stayed long in a relationship. He confessed, to her, that his sex fantasy was to make love while dressed in women's clothes. When she told him that wasn't that unusual he explained that he would test the waters a little, like asking his date something that would hint at it, and as soon as she rejected the idea at all he would end the relationship.

Thought most people don't have that specific preference, we all do have them whether it is with sex or something else. And none of us want to be judged. And sadly, many people fear to open up enough to risk the rejection of others.

Not judging and accepting is the key to allowing our partner to feel safe enough to reveal their core self. If they feel they can reveal more and more and it won't be judged then the intimacy, trust and love between the two will grow and grow.