The School of the Americas: A Master's in Tortureology

I attended the School of the Americas, and man let me tell you, school reunions there are never dull. Reunions are usually held near Langley, for reasons that are pretty obvious.

Well, maybe they aren't obvious. You probably don't what the School of the Americas is. Few Americans do. If you mentioned the term School of the Americas to them, they would probably envision some progressive Ivy League institution. The term Americas applies something international, or perhaps international. One senses that the School of the Americas is an American university outside America, teaching American concepts. This is what the name implies.

Effective implementation of totalitarianism isn't a skill someone is born with. Effective tyrants, totalitarians, and assassins must study their craft like any other expert. It is not practical to send all the unsavory henchman of this hemisphere's dictators to Harvard or Yale, or even Camp Perry, to learn the quintessential American principles.

This is why there is a School of the Americas. Dictators who do what America wants receive perks in return, one of them is sending their security and intelligence chiefs to the School of the Americas. Its graduates have a Bachelor's Degree in assassination, a Master's in tyranny, and a doctorate in torture. We give the dictator's nation foreign aid, and the dictator buys a military from U.S. contractor with the funds. This bright shiny new military is used to oppress the citizens of the nation. America looks the other way when the dictator steals some of the foreign aid and uses it to ensure a lavish lifestyle.

The dictator of course plays ball with Americas mega corporations. They harvest most of his country's resources for use by America, and this piracy impoverishes the whole nation. Imperialism at its finest.

2nd and 3rd world peasants simply cannot become prosperous. We need the resources that they might use to live better. So piss ant countries must be exploited. There are not enough natural resources on the whole planet for every human to enjoy the opulent standard of living which Americans do. Economics is a zero sum game, we must subtract from some other nation's ledger to add to ours.

At the time I attended SofA, I turned down a full ride to Florida State, which filled me with doubt, but in hindsight becoming an expert in torture, assassination and oppression was the right choice. I would have hung myself by now if I'd been forced to take some normal desk job in sales or marketing or product development at some Fortune 500 rathole. Instead I've hung a lot of other people.

I'm sure you can sense that School of Americas reunions are the best school reunions of all. You never have to sit around and hear some pudd whacker talk about his boring job for hours, as if he were an astronaut and someone actually cared. All my classmates will having interest stories. We've all proud to have helped make the world a shittier place—well all of it except America, of course.