The Secret To Happiness: A Deeper Connection and Peace When the Amazing Real You is Expressed

Have you discovered one of the most important secrets to happiness? Here's how to know. nnOne of the few TV shows I watch is "Men in Trees." It's a comedy/drama about a relationship coach who moved from New York City to live in a very small town: Elmo, Alaska. Obviously, the cultural contrasts between the slow-paced, friendly, rustic Elmo and New York City are staggering. On the show last week, Patrick, a "home-town boy" from Elmo, visited New York for the first time. Hired by a friend in a cut-throat, fast-paced public relations office, Patrick initially was criticized for his friendly, simple, gentle style. He had the audacity to smile at everyone, ask their names, and want to get to know them! People looked at him funny when he smiled and chatted with them. Some people told him "we don't have time for this." But Patrick didn't know how to be any other way. Ultimately (i.e., by the end of the show) his belief in people and his authentic style won over the entire office and a major client for the company. nnI know that "real life" isn't as simple as a TV soap opera. But this little story made an important point. We are often caught up in trying to be someone else because it's socially acceptable, or because we were taught by parents or bosses that's how you have to be. And so many people feel like a fraud in their own lives. For many years I was a high-tech business consultant. I had to be tough, know all the answers, and get things done no matter what. Playing the part had its advantages, but there was a powerful emotional toll as well. One of the advantages of playing the part was that if people didn't like the "fake" me, it was OK because that wasn't who I really was. When I became a coach there was a huge moment of truth. I wondered what I would do if I let the real me show, and people didn't like it - just as the New Yorkers told Patrick he was wrong? nnBeing authentically me was one of the hardest things in starting my coaching business. But I can tell you it is truly one of the most important secrets to happiness. When you are living in alignment with who you really are, everything is easier. There might be an initial transition time that is difficult, but the resulting alignment makes for a much happier, easier way of living. I believe the connections with people are deeper because they are getting to know the real you. And if they aren't the right people for the real you, it's much easier to detect that, move on, and find people who are in alignment with you. What about you? How much are you living the real you, and how much the "fraud" version? nnThis "fraud factor" can show up in so many ways. Remember a time you went along to a restaurant you didn't like, and didn't even propose an alternative, for fear of being perceived as "difficult?" Do injustices at work bother you, yet you feel you have to go along? Or are you caught up in community or volunteer efforts that drain you dry, but you're afraid to disappoint people by resigning or asking for what you really want? I work with people all the time who are "Elmo" people, caught up in a "New York City" life. How can you know if that's you?n nEmotion: One great way to know if you're in a "fraud" situation is unexplained emotion. Do you sometimes feel angry, sad, or frustrated over things that generally don't make you feel that way? nDesire: A second way this shows up is a recurring desire for something else - no matter how you try to ignore it, the desire just keeps coming back. nChallenge: And a third way is a recurring challenge. For example, you change jobs or relationships because of a specific challenge, then after a few weeks, it shows up again.n nAny of these three things can be a sign that you are out of alignment with who you really are. nnWhat can you do if you find you're not living in alignment with the real you? Happily, you don't have to move to a small town in Alaska! Here are some tips that worked for me: nn• Recognize the situations where you aren't the real you. Just explore why you believe you have to be different than you truly are in that situation. What would the real you do instead? n• Have the courage to start expressing yourself and your preferences. If necessary, you can start small and work your way up to more important situations and relationships. I have clients whose lives have transformed simply by learning to be more assertive. n• Be persistent. When you begin changing your behaviors, people might start responding differently to you, as they did to Patrick's unusual style. Recognize that people will adapt to the new you if you stick with it. n• Find new ways to let the real you be expressed. I recently discovered improvisational theatre as a great way to experiment with new ways of being. I have clients who journal, pursue artistic interests, learn assertiveness skills, or just spend a little quiet, reflective time. nnThe real joy of being your true self is that you can be "home" wherever you go. There's a deeper happiness, connection, and peace when the amazing real you is expressed. So there's a secret to happiness, and all it requires is a little focus and practice. Practice being the real you today! nnCopyright 2008 Karen Van Cleve, All rights reserved.n